just concerned about how it might make you feel.â
âConnected,â I repeat, like Caroline and I are puzzle pieces or threads in a spiderâs web. I know what he means, of course, but I donât want to think about Carolineâs little brother. My brain has gotten good at shoving memories around where I canât get to them. And the ones about Dylan are hazy and gray and untouchable and probably right where they belong.
âDo you want to share what she wanted to talk about?â Dr. Greenberg asks, interrupting my thoughts.
I shrug. âWe didnât really talk about anything.â I remember Jesseâs last visit, and him bringing up his guilt over the past. âShe didnât, like, bring up, you knowâ¦,â I offer. Iâm gripping Groovyâs brush hard in my hands. âShe plays guitar. She mostly seemed to want to talk about music.â
Dr. Greenberg nods. âWhat if she did bring it up?â he asks.
This is the closest Dr. Greenberg and I have ever come to really talking about me in any kind of serious way. I mean the stuff that happened to me. I feel the slightest wave of nausea building in my stomach. I drag the brush over Groovyâs fur and close my eyes for a moment.
âI mean ⦠I know my parents want to protect me,â I say. I wonder if theyâve told Dr. Greenberg to tell me to stop talking to Caroline. The idea bothers me. I feel guilty for making my parents worry about me so much, and I feel guilty that I get so annoyed by them worrying. I want to be able to decide who I hang out with. Not that I necessarily want to hang out with Caroline. I mean, it was kind of cool how Caroline knew so much about my drums and music, but the idea of hanging out with her makes me nervous.
How am I supposed to come talk to a therapist about my feelings when I donât really know what the hell I feel?
Dr. Greenberg gives me a half smile again. âOf course your parents want to protect you,â he says. âI wonder why they might feel especially protective with regard to Caroline.â
Itâs not phrased like a question, but itâs like he expects an answer. I give Groovy one last brush and try to respond. âMaybe theyâre worried that talking to Caroline would bring stuff up about ⦠everything,â I say. âAnd I could get, like, hurt?â
âDrawing healthy boundaries is something thatâs sometimes hard for victims of trauma,â Dr. Greenberg says, resting his hands on top of his belly. âIâm sorry. To translate that into normal language, what I mean is that people who have been through something like what youâve been through sometimes have a hard time knowing who to trust. Knowing who to make friends with.â
âYeah,â I say. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? No shit?
âIf youâd like, thatâs something we could talk about here, during our sessions,â Dr. Greenberg says. âHow to have good friendships. Good relationships.â
âOkay,â I say.
Friendships. Iâm not sure I have any left. Iâm not sure if Jesse is still my friend, or if I even want to be his. And I think back on Bennie and Narciso, the two guys from the apartment complex. I try to imagine what theyâre doing nowâskateboarding, complaining about their teachers, talking about girlsâand I wonder if they ever think of me.
All of a sudden, I want to stop thinking about all this. Talking about all of this. So I flip through my mind for something to say. âI liked brushing Groovy. I put him to sleep.â
Dr. Greenberg smiles. âIâve found he helps patients relax because he loves to relax himself.â
An idea dawns on me. âWait, did you get me to brush Groovy to make it easier to talk?â
âWell,â Dr. Greenberg says, and he looks a little bashful. âThe answer is yes, I admit it. Groovy has a way of knowing when
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