realize the crisis at all. They seemed to think more of saving their clothes than their lives. They said they feared we would be crushed by the small ice. But I seemed to see the whole winter before me. Either, I thought, the Polaris is disabled and can not come for us, or else, God knows why, Captain Budington don’t mean to help us; and then there flashed through my mind the remembrance of various scenes and experiences aboard in which his indifference had nearly cost me my life, and those of the crew. But I believed he thought too much of little Punnie, Hannah, and Joe to leave us to our fate. Then the thought came to me, what shall I do with all these people, if God means we are to shift for ourselves, without vessel, shelter, or sufficient food, through the dark winter? I knew that sometime the ice would break into small pieces—too small to live upon. From the disposition which some of the men had already shown, I knew it would be very difficult to make them do what was needful for their own safety. Then there were all those children, and the two women.
It seemed to me then that if we did not manage to get back to the ship, it was scarcely possible but that many, if not all of us, would perish before winter was over; and yet, while all these visions were going through my brain, these men, whose lives I was trying to save, stood muttering and grumbling because I did not want the boats overloaded to get through the pack-ice. They insisted on carrying every thing. They were under no discipline—they had been under none since Captain Hall’s death. Anthing and Kruger were especially stubborn on this point. The men loaded one boat full with all sorts of things, much of it really trash, but which they would carry. We were going to drag the boat across the floe to where we could take the water. I went on, and told the Esquimaux to follow me across. I had not gone more than two hundred yards before a fresh gale burst upon me. I nevertheless persevered and got across the ice, and when I got to the lead of water saw that the natives had not followed! Whether they thought too much of their property, or whether they were afraid of the storm, I do not know; but the coloured cook, Jackson, had followed me, and when he saw that they had not come he ran back for them.
The men, finally arriving with the boat they had dragged over so overloaded, now quibbled about getting in. I would have shoved off as long as I had the strength to do it; but when I looked for the oars, there were but three, and there was no rudder! I had told them to prepare the boat while I was gone; I had told them to see that all was right, including sails; but in truth they did not wish to leave the floe, and that probably accounts for it. I am afraid we shall all have to suffer much from their obstinacy. Perhaps we would not have reached either land or ship, but it was certainly worth trying. Why they prefer to stay on this floe I can not imagine; but to start with only three oars and no rudder, the wind blowing furiously, and no good, earnest help, was useless. I tried it, but the men were unwilling; and in the crippled condition of the boat it was no wonder that we were blown back like a feather. I was compelled to haul the boat back on to the ice. The men by this time were, I think, truly exhausted, and I could not blame them so much for not working with more energy.
Night was coming on; our day was lost, and our opportunity with it. We must prepare for another night on the ice.
We had to leave the boat where she was; we were all too tired to attempt to drag her back. We also left in her the clothing and other things the men had been so anxious to save in the morning. I went back toward the middle of the floe, and put up a little canvas tent, and then, eating a little frozen meat and ship-biscuit, I was glad enough to creep in, pull a musk-ox skin over me and get a little rest, drifting in the darkness I knew not where; for I had had no rest since the
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