Read Online Affection by Krissy Kneen - Free Book Online Page A

through a gutted building. We were all crammed into a little space and there was no time for privacy. There was always someone waiting for the bathroom. There was my sister on a twin mattress on the floor. There were dogs edging me out of my blankets. I had no space and no alone time and my body was edgy from lack of release.
    My sister found me sitting amongst the dry grasses. She noticed the mood I was in, and I was surprised when she chose to sit beside me as if we were friends.
    â€œWhat’s up?”
    â€œI don’t know. I feel horrible.”
    â€œSick? ”
    â€œNot exactly. It’s like I’m empty and there’s no way to fill it. I’ve never felt like this before. I can’t make it stop and that’s all I want. I want it to go away.”
    She seemed pleased by this. She settled closer.
    â€œFinally,” she said. “You’re always like Pollyanna. Looking on the bright side of everything. But life’s just not like that. There is no bright side. Everything is horrible and then we die. I’m proud of you for finally recognizing this.”
    I was confused. I was grateful that at last she approved of me. It made me feel more adult, like I’d shed my childish skin and crawled,
pale as a new insect, into the world. Still I wanted to crawl back into the safe cocoon that had shielded me from this gnawing emptiness.
    â€œIf I died then at least I wouldn’t feel like this anymore,” I said.
    She leaned over and hugged me. My sister never touched me; for a moment I’d thought she was going to hit me, but her arms were strong and comforting and I sank into them with relief. I let myself cry into her shoulder and she squeezed me so hard that some of my tears were from pain.
    â€œWelcome to reality,” she told me. “You’ve finally grown up.”
    The loneliness did not disappear, but my sister and I shared a tenuous friendship.
    â€œResign yourself,” she said. “You will never be successful. Look at them.” Them, the others, that lot : her way of referring to our family. “Look at them. Pathetic. Wanting to be successful. Happy. There is no such thing as happiness.”
    I looked at them, my family. The house was still being built. Dragonhall was still being built. Their dreams were still brimming with potential, but inside this hormonal sulk we shared I began to doubt the possibility of success.
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    We lay for hours on the front lawn of the rented house, my sister and I, side by side in our swimsuits, trying for a tan. My sister pinked up quickly, but I had inherited my grandfather’s swarthy skin and my plump limbs turned to charcoal in the sunlight. A yellow truck rattled
by and the back of it was filled with young men in tank tops and khaki work pants. My sister raised her roasting body up on her elbows and stared combatively straight at them. The truckload of workers broke into spontaneous cheering.
    Under the darkness of my tan I could feel a blush sweeping across my skin. They were cheering for her, for us. I had never been looked at or whistled at by boys before. I was the fat weird girl who reads too much. I was the one they laughed at, never to be cheered for.
    We waited for another truck to pass and when it did we both rose up to challenge it. Another cheer, and whistling this time; I felt as if the speed and the distance had disguised the hideous puffiness of my flesh. My sister held up her middle finger and this defiant gesture earned her an excited round of applause.
    â€œI’m going to take my top off,” I told her.
    I knew she didn’t believe me, but when the next truckload of workers passed I lowered the top of my one-piece swimsuit and the cheers were explosive.
    We lay back, giggling and breathless.
    â€œIf you could see ten years into the future, who do you think you would be with? Would you have a boyfriend? A husband? ”
    She snorted, turned over onto her front to scald her