Read Online A Ship Made of Paper by Scott Spencer - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Scott Spencer
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nothing that needs an apology.”
She shakes her head, amazed at the depths of his treachery.
“You won’t even give me that?” she asks.
“I wouldn’t know what I was giving. I really have no idea what this conversation is about.”
She takes a deep breath, pours herself a little more wine, a scientifi-cally minute portion that splashes at the bottom of her tall glass. “Daniel, I have this terrible feeling about you. No, sorry, not about you. Sorry.
But about what’s happening to you.”
“It’s late,” he says. “I’ve had a long day, we both have.Tomorrow’s Saturday, we can talk tomorrow.” He has peeled off his socks and now he is stepping out of his trousers. For a brief moment he has allowed himself to wonder what it would feel like if he were getting undressed to get into bed with Iris Davenport, and now that the thought has presented itself he cannot get rid of it. It just flies around and around within him, like a bird that can’t find the window that let it into the house.
“It’s already tomorrow and I want to talk now. It’s no big deal, I just want to ask you a question. Is that all right? One teeny-tiny question? Or maybe not teeny-tiny, maybe more medium-sized.”
“You’re sort of loaded, Kate.”
She doesn’t mind his saying this. “Do you believe in love?”
“I don’t know. No.Yes. I don’t even know what you mean.”
“O. J. believed in love. Even though he’s lying about killing his wife, in his heart he knows he did it, and he might even think he did it for love.”
“I don’t believe in killing, if that’s what you mean.”
a s h i p m a d e o f pa p e r
“You know,” Kate says, pouring herself more wine, less judiciously this time, “people think that love is what’s best in each of us, our capacity to love, our need for love . They think love is like God, and they worship their own feelings of love, which is really just narcissism masquerading as spirituality.You understand? If we say that God is love, then we can say that love is God, and that gives us the right to all these chaotic, needy, lusting, insane feelings inside of ourselves. We can call it love, and from there it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to calling it God. But here’s a thought. What if God isn’t love? And love isn’t God? What if all those emotions we call love turn out to be what’s really worst in us, what if it’s all the firings of the foulest, most primitive part of the back brain, what if it’s just as savage and selfish as rage or greed or lust?”
“I don’t know, Kate. It sounds sort of counterintuitive.”
“Intuition? What is that? We intuit what we want to intuit. We never intuit things that are against our interests and desires. Maybe intuition is just one of the many ways we have of elevating desire, making it something mystical rather than base. Did you ever think of that?”
“No.”
“Love has become some insane substitute for religion, I think that’s what’s happened. And in this country it’s pounded in on us at all times, every radio station, every TV station, all the magazines, all the ads, everywhere, it’s like living in a theocracy, it’s like living in Jordan and people are shouting out lines from the Koran from the top of every mosque. Love, love, love, but what they’re really saying is:Take what you want and the hell with everything else. We’ve even changed the Bible to go along with this new religion. When I was a kid, people used to read Paul’s letter to the Corinthians as being about charity—it used to be faith, hope, and charity, remember charity? the humility of that?—but now they’ve changed the translation and it’s not charity at all, it’s love.
Big old encompassing love, spreading all over everything like swamp gas.
Love is like a crystal ball, you gaze into its cracked heart and you see what you want to see. It’s really scary. It feels like the whole culture has gone insane.”
[ 47 ]
Daniel is sure that
She shakes her head, amazed at the depths of his treachery.
“You won’t even give me that?” she asks.
“I wouldn’t know what I was giving. I really have no idea what this conversation is about.”
She takes a deep breath, pours herself a little more wine, a scientifi-cally minute portion that splashes at the bottom of her tall glass. “Daniel, I have this terrible feeling about you. No, sorry, not about you. Sorry.
But about what’s happening to you.”
“It’s late,” he says. “I’ve had a long day, we both have.Tomorrow’s Saturday, we can talk tomorrow.” He has peeled off his socks and now he is stepping out of his trousers. For a brief moment he has allowed himself to wonder what it would feel like if he were getting undressed to get into bed with Iris Davenport, and now that the thought has presented itself he cannot get rid of it. It just flies around and around within him, like a bird that can’t find the window that let it into the house.
“It’s already tomorrow and I want to talk now. It’s no big deal, I just want to ask you a question. Is that all right? One teeny-tiny question? Or maybe not teeny-tiny, maybe more medium-sized.”
“You’re sort of loaded, Kate.”
She doesn’t mind his saying this. “Do you believe in love?”
“I don’t know. No.Yes. I don’t even know what you mean.”
“O. J. believed in love. Even though he’s lying about killing his wife, in his heart he knows he did it, and he might even think he did it for love.”
“I don’t believe in killing, if that’s what you mean.”
a s h i p m a d e o f pa p e r
“You know,” Kate says, pouring herself more wine, less judiciously this time, “people think that love is what’s best in each of us, our capacity to love, our need for love . They think love is like God, and they worship their own feelings of love, which is really just narcissism masquerading as spirituality.You understand? If we say that God is love, then we can say that love is God, and that gives us the right to all these chaotic, needy, lusting, insane feelings inside of ourselves. We can call it love, and from there it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump to calling it God. But here’s a thought. What if God isn’t love? And love isn’t God? What if all those emotions we call love turn out to be what’s really worst in us, what if it’s all the firings of the foulest, most primitive part of the back brain, what if it’s just as savage and selfish as rage or greed or lust?”
“I don’t know, Kate. It sounds sort of counterintuitive.”
“Intuition? What is that? We intuit what we want to intuit. We never intuit things that are against our interests and desires. Maybe intuition is just one of the many ways we have of elevating desire, making it something mystical rather than base. Did you ever think of that?”
“No.”
“Love has become some insane substitute for religion, I think that’s what’s happened. And in this country it’s pounded in on us at all times, every radio station, every TV station, all the magazines, all the ads, everywhere, it’s like living in a theocracy, it’s like living in Jordan and people are shouting out lines from the Koran from the top of every mosque. Love, love, love, but what they’re really saying is:Take what you want and the hell with everything else. We’ve even changed the Bible to go along with this new religion. When I was a kid, people used to read Paul’s letter to the Corinthians as being about charity—it used to be faith, hope, and charity, remember charity? the humility of that?—but now they’ve changed the translation and it’s not charity at all, it’s love.
Big old encompassing love, spreading all over everything like swamp gas.
Love is like a crystal ball, you gaze into its cracked heart and you see what you want to see. It’s really scary. It feels like the whole culture has gone insane.”
[ 47 ]
Daniel is sure that
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