Read Online A Million Versions of Right by Matthew Revert - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Matthew Revert
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presentation. There was a series of images, some containing prominent scrotums and some not. Each image containing a scrotum was branded with a large, green tick. Any image not containing a scrotum bore a red cross. These images were interspersed with blocks of bold text, which spoke of the propensity toward homosexuality experienced by eunuchs. Accompanying the text was a spurious statistic claiming that ninety percent of females desire a scrotum of their own. The remaining ten perecent were deemed Neo Nazi lesbians. The final love heart framed slide displayed a crudely drawn Esperanto flag shaking hands with a scrotum. This was punctuated with an orchestra hit that signalled the arrival of Hedging from stage left.
Clutching at the microphone, sensing the importance of what he and his men were achieving, Hedging allowed himself a moment of reflection before diving headlong into his prepared diatribe.
“Children of Yandish Muff’s grade four class, I stand before you today in deliverance of a message. A message that flies sharply in the face of what you were brought here to hear. Each of you are at a stage in your life where you’ve probably been mercifully removed from the debate surrounding the scrotal sanctity. Can I have a show of hands in order for me to gauge those of you who have been afflicted with damaging parental prose?”
Hedging looked upon the gory slush of dead students, waiting for a response that showed no sign of arriving. Somewhat agitated, he continued.
“I choose to take your silence as a positive sign. My assumption is that you have never been taught to hate your scrotum. I am here to tell you that you were within a hair’s breath of having this grisly message hammered into your poor, little skulls. I represent a group affectionately known as the ‘Scroats’. It is our goal to ensure that the negative attitudes toward the scrotum are abolished. You were brought here today in order to be infected with these attitudes. The Scroats will not let this happen. We implore you to look upon your scrotum for what it is: a god given appendage that is instrumental in the role of procreation. Without the scrotum, none of you would be here. Your dastardly Mr Wilkens wouldn’t be here. Distinguished members of the tangential board wouldn’t be here. NOTHING would be here! If he is man enough, I call for Mr Wilkens to meet me on stage and accept his penance.”
Hedging went silent as he awaited the arrival of Mr Wilkens. After four hours it was apparent that this wasn’t going to happen. With a finger pointed toward the tangential board, he boomed the question, “WHERE IS MR WILKENS?”
The stunned members of the board looked among themselves, nodding furiously like falling plates of jelly. The position of their V.I.P. area made a quick dash for escape impossible without an elaborate series of limbo-like manoeuvres. One member was begrudgingly nominated as a spokesperson.
“We’re terribly sorry to you and your band of unusual men but Mr Wilkens is a no show. Nobody has seen him today. We assumed you were a planned part of the demonstration but we’re starting to believe that is not the case. It would be very much appreciated if you would leave. No one from the board will speak ill of this incident and you can go about your confusing protests freely.”
Before Hedging had a chance to reply, five more Scroats burst into the room and began circling the corpse-strewn rubble chanting, “GOD ENJOYS THE SCROTUM! JESUS HAD A SCROTUM!”
“Stop it!” Hedging yelled at his chanting men, who obeyed immediately. “This isn’t working at all. Let’s get out of here.”
The teachers and board members watched in fascination as the strange group of forlorn men lumbered out of the auditorium in single file. When the coast was clear, the board members had their drivers come and physically pick them up and take them away.
* * * * *
Bernice was already waiting on the couch when Mr Wilkens stumbled
Clutching at the microphone, sensing the importance of what he and his men were achieving, Hedging allowed himself a moment of reflection before diving headlong into his prepared diatribe.
“Children of Yandish Muff’s grade four class, I stand before you today in deliverance of a message. A message that flies sharply in the face of what you were brought here to hear. Each of you are at a stage in your life where you’ve probably been mercifully removed from the debate surrounding the scrotal sanctity. Can I have a show of hands in order for me to gauge those of you who have been afflicted with damaging parental prose?”
Hedging looked upon the gory slush of dead students, waiting for a response that showed no sign of arriving. Somewhat agitated, he continued.
“I choose to take your silence as a positive sign. My assumption is that you have never been taught to hate your scrotum. I am here to tell you that you were within a hair’s breath of having this grisly message hammered into your poor, little skulls. I represent a group affectionately known as the ‘Scroats’. It is our goal to ensure that the negative attitudes toward the scrotum are abolished. You were brought here today in order to be infected with these attitudes. The Scroats will not let this happen. We implore you to look upon your scrotum for what it is: a god given appendage that is instrumental in the role of procreation. Without the scrotum, none of you would be here. Your dastardly Mr Wilkens wouldn’t be here. Distinguished members of the tangential board wouldn’t be here. NOTHING would be here! If he is man enough, I call for Mr Wilkens to meet me on stage and accept his penance.”
Hedging went silent as he awaited the arrival of Mr Wilkens. After four hours it was apparent that this wasn’t going to happen. With a finger pointed toward the tangential board, he boomed the question, “WHERE IS MR WILKENS?”
The stunned members of the board looked among themselves, nodding furiously like falling plates of jelly. The position of their V.I.P. area made a quick dash for escape impossible without an elaborate series of limbo-like manoeuvres. One member was begrudgingly nominated as a spokesperson.
“We’re terribly sorry to you and your band of unusual men but Mr Wilkens is a no show. Nobody has seen him today. We assumed you were a planned part of the demonstration but we’re starting to believe that is not the case. It would be very much appreciated if you would leave. No one from the board will speak ill of this incident and you can go about your confusing protests freely.”
Before Hedging had a chance to reply, five more Scroats burst into the room and began circling the corpse-strewn rubble chanting, “GOD ENJOYS THE SCROTUM! JESUS HAD A SCROTUM!”
“Stop it!” Hedging yelled at his chanting men, who obeyed immediately. “This isn’t working at all. Let’s get out of here.”
The teachers and board members watched in fascination as the strange group of forlorn men lumbered out of the auditorium in single file. When the coast was clear, the board members had their drivers come and physically pick them up and take them away.
* * * * *
Bernice was already waiting on the couch when Mr Wilkens stumbled
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