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Authors: Stephen Donaldson
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that it might go out at any moment, plunging her into blackness. When she was a child, the prospect of fading had always terrified her. It still did. But soon being locked in the closet had reminded her of the safety of the dark, had taught her again that she could fade to escape from being alone and unloved, scarcely able to breathe. If she didn't exist, she couldn't be hurt.
If she didn't exist, she couldn't be hurt.
Go to hell.
But now, when she needed it most, it was taken away from her. She couldn't fade: she had lost the trick of letting go. The Castellan was going to hurt her in a way she had never experienced before. That wasn't like the relatively passive violence of being locked in a closet. It wasn't like being left alone to save herself or go mad. It was a new kind of pain—
And Geraden—
Oh, Geraden!
She needed to fade, had to escape, in order to protect him, just in case he was still alive, just in case he had somehow succeeded at working another impossible translation. Fading was her only defense against the pressure to betray him. If she were gone, she wouldn't be able to tell the Castellan where he was.
And yet he was the other reason she couldn't let go. She was too afraid for him. She couldn't forget the way she had last seen him, the poignant mixture of anguish and iron in his face, the fatal authority in his voice and movements. The sweet and openhearted young man she loved wasn't gone. No. That would have been bad enough, but what had happened to him was worse. He had been melted and beaten to iron without losing any of his vulnerabilities, so that the strength or desperation which led him to cast himself into a mirror wasn't a measure of how hard he had become, but rather of how much pain he was in.
She had cried, I'm not an Imager! I can't help you! And he had turned away from her because he didn't have any other choice. She wasn't the answer to his need. He had flung himself into the glass and was gone, unreachable, so far beyond hope or help that he didn't even appear in the Image of the mirror. Even an Adept couldn't have brought him back.
That was how she knew where he was.
If he were still alive at all. And if the translation hadn't cost him his sanity.
She should have gone with him.
Yes. She should have gone with him. That was another reason she couldn't fade: she couldn't forget that she had already failed him. And failed herself at the same time. She loved him, didn't she? Wasn't that what she had learned in their last day together?—that he was more important to her even than Master Eremis' strange power to draw a response from her body? that she believed in him and trusted him no matter what the evidence against him was? that she cared about him too much to take any side but his in the machinations and betrayals which embroiled Mordant? Then what was she doing here? Why had she stood still and simply watched him risk his life and his mind, without making the slightest effort to go with him?
She should have gone.
She was blocked from escaping inside herself by her fear of the Castellan. By her fear for Geraden. And by shame.
After a while, the wall began to pain her back. Imperfectly fitted pieces of granite pressed against her spine, her shoulder blades. Cold seemed to soak into her from the floor, despite the warm riding clothes Mindlin had made for her, despite her boots. Perhaps it would be wiser if she got up and went to the cot. But she didn't have the heart to move, or the strength.
Now you are mine.
Geraden, forgive me.
"My lady."
She couldn't see who spoke. Nevertheless his voice didn't frighten her, so after a while she was able to raise her head.
The Tor stood at the door of her cell. His voice shook as he murmured again, "My lady." His fat fists gripped the bars of the door as if he were the one who had been locked up—as if he were imprisoned and she were free. Dully, she noticed
If she didn't exist, she couldn't be hurt.
Go to hell.
But now, when she needed it most, it was taken away from her. She couldn't fade: she had lost the trick of letting go. The Castellan was going to hurt her in a way she had never experienced before. That wasn't like the relatively passive violence of being locked in a closet. It wasn't like being left alone to save herself or go mad. It was a new kind of pain—
And Geraden—
Oh, Geraden!
She needed to fade, had to escape, in order to protect him, just in case he was still alive, just in case he had somehow succeeded at working another impossible translation. Fading was her only defense against the pressure to betray him. If she were gone, she wouldn't be able to tell the Castellan where he was.
And yet he was the other reason she couldn't let go. She was too afraid for him. She couldn't forget the way she had last seen him, the poignant mixture of anguish and iron in his face, the fatal authority in his voice and movements. The sweet and openhearted young man she loved wasn't gone. No. That would have been bad enough, but what had happened to him was worse. He had been melted and beaten to iron without losing any of his vulnerabilities, so that the strength or desperation which led him to cast himself into a mirror wasn't a measure of how hard he had become, but rather of how much pain he was in.
She had cried, I'm not an Imager! I can't help you! And he had turned away from her because he didn't have any other choice. She wasn't the answer to his need. He had flung himself into the glass and was gone, unreachable, so far beyond hope or help that he didn't even appear in the Image of the mirror. Even an Adept couldn't have brought him back.
That was how she knew where he was.
If he were still alive at all. And if the translation hadn't cost him his sanity.
She should have gone with him.
Yes. She should have gone with him. That was another reason she couldn't fade: she couldn't forget that she had already failed him. And failed herself at the same time. She loved him, didn't she? Wasn't that what she had learned in their last day together?—that he was more important to her even than Master Eremis' strange power to draw a response from her body? that she believed in him and trusted him no matter what the evidence against him was? that she cared about him too much to take any side but his in the machinations and betrayals which embroiled Mordant? Then what was she doing here? Why had she stood still and simply watched him risk his life and his mind, without making the slightest effort to go with him?
She should have gone.
She was blocked from escaping inside herself by her fear of the Castellan. By her fear for Geraden. And by shame.
After a while, the wall began to pain her back. Imperfectly fitted pieces of granite pressed against her spine, her shoulder blades. Cold seemed to soak into her from the floor, despite the warm riding clothes Mindlin had made for her, despite her boots. Perhaps it would be wiser if she got up and went to the cot. But she didn't have the heart to move, or the strength.
Now you are mine.
Geraden, forgive me.
"My lady."
She couldn't see who spoke. Nevertheless his voice didn't frighten her, so after a while she was able to raise her head.
The Tor stood at the door of her cell. His voice shook as he murmured again, "My lady." His fat fists gripped the bars of the door as if he were the one who had been locked up—as if he were imprisoned and she were free. Dully, she noticed
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