Read Online A Load of Hooey by Bob Odenkirk - Free Book Online Page A

unclenching my fists (good for the fists). Thanks,kids—Dad loves you and Dad loves the ab you’ve given him.
    The middle-right ab bulges handsomely thanks to talk radio. I simply tune in to conservative talkers when I am driving, and my screaming at the host tightens this ab for an extended, uninterrupted rep. Plus, disagreeing with someone on the radio gives me that powerless, overwhelmed feeling I’ve become addicted to. It’s better than a drug, because you get the abs!
    The upper-left ab pops out impressively from the effort of lugging five-gallon water jugs into our kitchen. Actually, the lugging does nothing for the ab; it’s the part where you have to tip the full jug and place its spout into the dispensing reservoir, without spilling, that strains and sculpts this beautiful ab. The short moment of dread focuses tension on this ab like a ray gun. Afterward, slipping on the spilled water can be great for a whole-body clench.
    The middle ab on the left (not my left, your left, if you are looking at me) is called Terrence. It’s a dignified ab. It tenses each time I read an op-ed article about global warming. The article’s point of view is immaterial; simply being reminded that I can do nothing to stop the horrific future of floods and catastrophe gives this ab a taut yank that lingers, burning calories in my well-creased forehead at the same time. Best to do right before bed, as the accompanying nightmares keep those abs pumping into the early-morning hours!
    The bottom-right ab, the biggest of all the abs—and therefore the most impressive—is from not having sex. This ab is always quietly tensed. Has been for years now. Can you imagine the Dalai Lama’s lower right ab? Must be huge. I, however, did not take avow of chastity, so it would be a sad situation, if it didn’t yield such an amazing ab.
    The bottom ab on the left is harder to explain, but I believe that this ab is simply self-aware. It quivers with tension at all times, even more so when I am supposed to be relaxing, and I believe it is searching for a sense of purpose for itself and no answer is forthcoming. Nothing works this ab like a vacation. The aimless uncertainty, the absence of all deadlines, tightens and sculpts like nothing else. After ten days in Hawaii, this ab looks amazing.
    Finally, you’ve got to appreciate my extra abs. That’s right, I have two abs more than most people. They are in my lower back, and, I’ll admit it, they were put there by my Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. I was told that they are the latest thing. God, I hope so. They hurt like hell.

Famous Quotations—Unabridged

    â€œ There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship , but one of those heated bathroom floors? That comes close—real close.”
    â€”Thomas Aquinas

SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK
    EXT. PRISON
    INT. PRISON MEETING ROOM
    In a sad, generic meeting room, five prisoners sit in their faded orange jumpsuits, rough characters all. In this California federal prison, they are mostly Latino. A fellow prisoner strides in with heavy energy and a shredded face. His imposing size adds to a sense of his own gravity. He is Placidio, their Director, and he is the big dog in this pack—not to be messed with! They, the prisoners, are in a theater group. What else is there to do—it’s prison!
    Placidio unnecessarily silences the already silent group.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  PLACIDIO
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  Okay, motherfuckers, shut the hell up!
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  ( beat )
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â  Now I want to congratulate you all