Read Online A Few Quick Ones by P. G. Wodehouse - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: P. G. Wodehouse
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Hermione went on, her voice vibrating with pain, "that - that was the sort of ball of fire Augustus Mulliner really was? I thought him a wet smack and a total loss, and all the time he was a sportsman who throws eggs at butlers and breaks windows with champagne bottles. I never dreamed that there was this deeper side to him. When first we met, I was strangely attracted to him, but as I came to know him, he appeared to have all the earmarks of a Grade A hammerhead. I wrote him off as a bohunkus. Romantically considered, he seemed to me strictly a cigar-store Indian, all wood from the neck up. And now I see that for some reason he was hiding his light beneath a bushel, as father used to say. Oh, what shall I do? I love him, I love him, I love him!"
"Well, he loves you, which makes it all square."
"Yes, but this afternoon he asked me to be his wife, and I turned him down like a bedspread."
"Send him a civil note, saying you have changed your mind."
"Too late. A man as fascinating as that is sure to have been snapped up by some other girl by this time. Oh, what…?"
She would have spoken further, probably adding the words "shall I do?", but at this moment speech was wiped from her lips as if with a wet sponge. From the tree in whose shade she stood a passionate voice had shouted "Hoy!" and looking up she saw the face of my nephew.
"Au-us-us!" she cried. His sudden advent had caused her to bite her tongue rather severely.
"Ah, Mulliner," said Oswald Stoker. "Birds-nesting?"
"I say," bellowed Augustus, "I heard what you were saying. Did you mean it?"
"Yek, yek, a 'ousand 'imes yek!"
"You really love me?"
"Of course I love you."
"You will be my wife ?"
"You couldn't stop me with an injunction."
"Then…just getting it straightened out, if you don't mind...it will be in order if I nip down and cover your upturned face with burning kisses?"
"Perfectly in order."
"Right ho. Be with you in a moment."
As they fell into an embrace which, had it occurred in a motion picture, would have made the Johnston office purse its lips and suggest the cutting of several hundred feet of film, Oswald Stoker heaved a sentimental little sigh. A fiancé himself, he liked to see sundered hearts coming together.
"Well, well!" he said. "So you're getting married, eh? Starting out on the new life, are you, you two young things? Then take this simple toad," said Oswald Stoker, pressing the reptile into Augustus's hand. "A wedding present," he explained. "A poor gift, but one that comes straight from the heart. And, after all, it's the thought behind the gift that counts, don't you think? Good-night. God bless you. I must be getting along and finding how Russell Clutterbuck is making out. Have you ever seen an American publisher sitting in a hothouse with nothing on except horn-rimmed spectacles? It is a sight well worth seeing, but not one that I would recommend to nervous people and invalids."
He passed into the darkness, leaving Augustus looking at the toad a little dubiously. He did not really want it, but it might be ungracious to throw it away.
And idea struck him.
"Darling!"
"Yes, Angel?"
"I wonder, my queen, if you know which is that butler's room?"
"Of course, my king. Why?"
"I thought if you were to put this toad in his bed some night, shortly before he retired to rest….Just a suggestion, of course."
"An admirable suggestion. Come, my dream man," said Hermione, "and let us hunt around and see if we can't find a few frogs, too."
4
Jeeves Makes an Omelette
IN these disturbed days in which we live, it has probably occurred to all thinking men that something drastic ought to be done about aunts, Speaking for myself, I have long felt that stones should be turned and avenues explored with a view to putting a stopper on the relatives in question. If someone were to come to me and say, "Wooster, would you be interested in joining a society I am starting whose aim will be the suppression of aunts or at least will
"Well, he loves you, which makes it all square."
"Yes, but this afternoon he asked me to be his wife, and I turned him down like a bedspread."
"Send him a civil note, saying you have changed your mind."
"Too late. A man as fascinating as that is sure to have been snapped up by some other girl by this time. Oh, what…?"
She would have spoken further, probably adding the words "shall I do?", but at this moment speech was wiped from her lips as if with a wet sponge. From the tree in whose shade she stood a passionate voice had shouted "Hoy!" and looking up she saw the face of my nephew.
"Au-us-us!" she cried. His sudden advent had caused her to bite her tongue rather severely.
"Ah, Mulliner," said Oswald Stoker. "Birds-nesting?"
"I say," bellowed Augustus, "I heard what you were saying. Did you mean it?"
"Yek, yek, a 'ousand 'imes yek!"
"You really love me?"
"Of course I love you."
"You will be my wife ?"
"You couldn't stop me with an injunction."
"Then…just getting it straightened out, if you don't mind...it will be in order if I nip down and cover your upturned face with burning kisses?"
"Perfectly in order."
"Right ho. Be with you in a moment."
As they fell into an embrace which, had it occurred in a motion picture, would have made the Johnston office purse its lips and suggest the cutting of several hundred feet of film, Oswald Stoker heaved a sentimental little sigh. A fiancé himself, he liked to see sundered hearts coming together.
"Well, well!" he said. "So you're getting married, eh? Starting out on the new life, are you, you two young things? Then take this simple toad," said Oswald Stoker, pressing the reptile into Augustus's hand. "A wedding present," he explained. "A poor gift, but one that comes straight from the heart. And, after all, it's the thought behind the gift that counts, don't you think? Good-night. God bless you. I must be getting along and finding how Russell Clutterbuck is making out. Have you ever seen an American publisher sitting in a hothouse with nothing on except horn-rimmed spectacles? It is a sight well worth seeing, but not one that I would recommend to nervous people and invalids."
He passed into the darkness, leaving Augustus looking at the toad a little dubiously. He did not really want it, but it might be ungracious to throw it away.
And idea struck him.
"Darling!"
"Yes, Angel?"
"I wonder, my queen, if you know which is that butler's room?"
"Of course, my king. Why?"
"I thought if you were to put this toad in his bed some night, shortly before he retired to rest….Just a suggestion, of course."
"An admirable suggestion. Come, my dream man," said Hermione, "and let us hunt around and see if we can't find a few frogs, too."
4
Jeeves Makes an Omelette
IN these disturbed days in which we live, it has probably occurred to all thinking men that something drastic ought to be done about aunts, Speaking for myself, I have long felt that stones should be turned and avenues explored with a view to putting a stopper on the relatives in question. If someone were to come to me and say, "Wooster, would you be interested in joining a society I am starting whose aim will be the suppression of aunts or at least will
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