Read Online A Closed Eye by Anita Brookner - Free Book Online Page A

from girlhood to pregnancy, to share symptoms, remedies, advice. The sheer sexlessness of these afternoons, passed in the dusty sunlight of Tessa’s still half-furnished flat, enchanted her, for it seemed as if they were very young again, in the schoolroom, before growing up had taken place. Tessa was not enjoying her pregnancy, complained of permanent nausea, of fatigue, of lack of energy. She was grateful for Harriet’s visits, grateful for her new and apparently immovable confidence,would allow her to make the tea and unwrap and slice a cake, while she sat brooding. They both ate voluptuously, proud of their appetites. In this too they regressed slightly.
    They discussed the move to Wellington Square, which would lessen the physical distance between them, making Harriet’s afternoon walk shorter, for she did not see herself ever breaking this agreeable habit.
    ‘Simplicity itself,’ she replied to Tessa’s questions. ‘I’d have done it before if I’d known how easy it would be. Luckily the place has just been decorated; I shan’t change anything at first. It’s only a question of packing up and unpacking. I’ve told Freddie to go off to work and forget all about it, just to come home to a different address. We can eat out until I’m straight. Have you written down that new telephone number?’
    ‘You seem happy,’ said Tessa curiously. ‘Are you happy?’
    ‘I am now,’ she replied, with evident truth. ‘I may not have been before, but I am now.’
    There was silence while they drank their tea.
    ‘You’re lucky,’ said Tessa, in her new fretful voice. ‘I wish I could say the same. I don’t want this baby, poor little wretch. Look at this place! It’ll never be finished. I don’t even like it. I’d far rather be sharing with those girls again in Redcliffe Square. For two pins I’d put it on the market and go back to my parents. I never realized how lonely I’d be. I’ve never been lonely before.’
    ‘Where is Jack?’ asked Harriet finally.
    ‘In the Middle East somewhere. I occasionally see him on the television news—I don’t know where he is at this precise moment.’ She laughed mournfully, got up and moved to the window, her hands easing her back, as if she were a middle-aged woman. Her body took the full force of the blazing sun and darkened the room.
    ‘But he’ll be back before the baby …?’
    ‘Oh, I dare say. But he won’t stay long. He hates this flat,goes on at me for not getting it together. But I don’t like it either; I just put up with it. Not he. Very fussy is Jack, very keen on his comforts. He’d rather go back to his place and ring up some old girl friends to come and feel sorry for him. It’s not going to work out, Hattie, I can’t kid myself. Not that I’d ever admit it to him. He’s my husband, whether he likes it or not. Though it’s probably not, I have to admit.’
    ‘You were always brave,’ Harriet surprised herself by saying. She had a sudden impression of dereliction, as if Tessa, despite her essentially immature protestations, had become older, more experienced than herself, as if she had met a fate that was noxious to her, although there was no mistaking the longing in her face.
    ‘I always admired you,’ she went on. ‘You had no anxieties, about school, or about boys, men, I should say. I can see you now, in those kilts you wore, that your mother had made for you in Scotland. You were so fair—that lovely skin. You never had a spot! I took that as a sign of your superiority. I thought you were invincible.’
    ‘I was,’ said Tessa. ‘Until I met Jack. I knew straight away that he’d always been unfaithful, but I had to have him. I was used to having things, you see, and when I saw what I wanted I simply persisted. I ignored all the warning signs, like his going back to Judd Street instead of staying with me. Oh, yes, he did that a lot. Still does. He’ll sleep with me, and then take off. And I put up with it. I sit here all day