Read Online A Bump in the Road by Maureen Lipinski - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Maureen Lipinski
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childbirth. She needs some space.”
I should’ve slept in the car like a homeless person.
Jake did the polite thing and joined the old people around the campfire while I leaned against the RV and tried to block out what I was hearing—something about how Pat Robertson and the 700
Club
are so inspiring. I looked around at the other campsites, located surprisingly close to ours. I thought this was supposed to be a quiet, relaxingtime in the woods, not hanging out with our family
and
the weirdos next to us.
After an hour, I decided it was time to go pass out. Natalie was already asleep, snoring lightly. I fiddled with the bed/table/bench until I got it somewhat flat.
And so here I am, lying on an incline, listening to Frank’s erotic dreams and Natalie’s occasional farts.
Saturday, May 12
Oh, thank sweet Jesus. Carrie is coming today. At least I’ll have someone here who won’t try to convince me hiking is really peaceful or sleeping in the open air is refreshing.
9:30 A.M.
Me: “Where is she? You said they’d be here in the morning.”
Jake: “Relax. Patrick and I have a noon tee time. They’ll be here.”
9:45 A.M.
Me: “Maybe they’re lost. I could call them if this horrible phone would get a signal.”
10:05 A.M.
Me: “Let me try your phone. Ah! Praise the Lord! I think you have some juice. NO! Fuck. I just lost it.”
11:01 A.M.
Me: “Where. The. Hell. Are. They. Your mother is trying to convince me to go to some Amish cheese shop with her. I need someone NORMAL to hang out with.”
11:20 A.M.
They’re here!
2:00 P.M.
I love Carrie.
When she and Patrick arrived, I raced over to their car before it even came to a standstill. I saw their looks of slight alarm behind their sunglasses. I’m sure I’d be afraid, too, if some crazed woman wearing lotion-smudged sweatpants threw herself in front of my car.
“Hi! Hi! Hi!” I spurted, waving vigorously.
Patrick rolled down his window and poked his head out. “What the hell happened to you?”
“Screw you,” I said.
Carrie got out of the passenger side and pushed her sunglasses back onto her head, fanning out her perfectly highlighted hair.
“Hey, Clare. Looks like you’ve been having fun.”
“You have no idea. I’m
dying
here! Thank the dear Lord that you guys are here. You won’t
believe
the things I’ve seen!”
“Hey, everybody! It’s some of them city folk we’ve been hearing about!” Jake yelled across the campsite in a fake twang. He walked over and bear-hugged Carrie. “How’s my favorite girl?”
“Fab. I think you should be asking your wife that question.”
“Whatever, you have no—Whoa!” I shrieked.
All three of their heads snapped in unison to look at me.
“What is THAT?” I grabbed Carrie’s left hand and nearly went blind from the sunbeams coming off of the giant diamond.
A smile appeared on her face. “Just last night.”
“Congratulations!” Jake slapped Patrick on the back. “Welcome to the family. Let’s get you guys settled in so we can hear the details.” He grabbed their bags and headed over toward the throng of campers.
After Patrick and Carrie got settled in, the guys left to make their tee time and Carrie and I found some lawn chairs and started leafing through all of the trashy tabloid magazines I brought.
“So, where’s Natalie?” Carrie asked me while picking up a copy of
InTouch
.
“Locked away in the cabin farting.”
“Ew. Natalie.” She wrinkled her nose.
Seriously. I love her.
“Hey, girls! Do you two want to come antiquing with us in town?” Marianne asked.
“No thanks,” we both answered quickly.
“So what’s new, Aunt Marianne?” Carrie asked.
“Oh, you know. Spending time with Natalie and looking forward to our first grandchild. I’ve also joined a book club.”
“You know, if you ever want something new to read, Clare’s a great writer.”
“Oh, really?”
“Her Web site is hilarious. You should really
I should’ve slept in the car like a homeless person.
Jake did the polite thing and joined the old people around the campfire while I leaned against the RV and tried to block out what I was hearing—something about how Pat Robertson and the 700
Club
are so inspiring. I looked around at the other campsites, located surprisingly close to ours. I thought this was supposed to be a quiet, relaxingtime in the woods, not hanging out with our family
and
the weirdos next to us.
After an hour, I decided it was time to go pass out. Natalie was already asleep, snoring lightly. I fiddled with the bed/table/bench until I got it somewhat flat.
And so here I am, lying on an incline, listening to Frank’s erotic dreams and Natalie’s occasional farts.
Saturday, May 12
Oh, thank sweet Jesus. Carrie is coming today. At least I’ll have someone here who won’t try to convince me hiking is really peaceful or sleeping in the open air is refreshing.
9:30 A.M.
Me: “Where is she? You said they’d be here in the morning.”
Jake: “Relax. Patrick and I have a noon tee time. They’ll be here.”
9:45 A.M.
Me: “Maybe they’re lost. I could call them if this horrible phone would get a signal.”
10:05 A.M.
Me: “Let me try your phone. Ah! Praise the Lord! I think you have some juice. NO! Fuck. I just lost it.”
11:01 A.M.
Me: “Where. The. Hell. Are. They. Your mother is trying to convince me to go to some Amish cheese shop with her. I need someone NORMAL to hang out with.”
11:20 A.M.
They’re here!
2:00 P.M.
I love Carrie.
When she and Patrick arrived, I raced over to their car before it even came to a standstill. I saw their looks of slight alarm behind their sunglasses. I’m sure I’d be afraid, too, if some crazed woman wearing lotion-smudged sweatpants threw herself in front of my car.
“Hi! Hi! Hi!” I spurted, waving vigorously.
Patrick rolled down his window and poked his head out. “What the hell happened to you?”
“Screw you,” I said.
Carrie got out of the passenger side and pushed her sunglasses back onto her head, fanning out her perfectly highlighted hair.
“Hey, Clare. Looks like you’ve been having fun.”
“You have no idea. I’m
dying
here! Thank the dear Lord that you guys are here. You won’t
believe
the things I’ve seen!”
“Hey, everybody! It’s some of them city folk we’ve been hearing about!” Jake yelled across the campsite in a fake twang. He walked over and bear-hugged Carrie. “How’s my favorite girl?”
“Fab. I think you should be asking your wife that question.”
“Whatever, you have no—Whoa!” I shrieked.
All three of their heads snapped in unison to look at me.
“What is THAT?” I grabbed Carrie’s left hand and nearly went blind from the sunbeams coming off of the giant diamond.
A smile appeared on her face. “Just last night.”
“Congratulations!” Jake slapped Patrick on the back. “Welcome to the family. Let’s get you guys settled in so we can hear the details.” He grabbed their bags and headed over toward the throng of campers.
After Patrick and Carrie got settled in, the guys left to make their tee time and Carrie and I found some lawn chairs and started leafing through all of the trashy tabloid magazines I brought.
“So, where’s Natalie?” Carrie asked me while picking up a copy of
InTouch
.
“Locked away in the cabin farting.”
“Ew. Natalie.” She wrinkled her nose.
Seriously. I love her.
“Hey, girls! Do you two want to come antiquing with us in town?” Marianne asked.
“No thanks,” we both answered quickly.
“So what’s new, Aunt Marianne?” Carrie asked.
“Oh, you know. Spending time with Natalie and looking forward to our first grandchild. I’ve also joined a book club.”
“You know, if you ever want something new to read, Clare’s a great writer.”
“Oh, really?”
“Her Web site is hilarious. You should really
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