Read Online 10 Things to Do Before I Die by Daniel Ehrenhaft - Free Book Online Page B

trying to imitate What I just saw him do. Shockingly, I don’t barf. Scotch seems to be one of those rare liquids that taste better than they smell. Sure, it burns a little going down, but then it feels Warm in my belly. And the Warmth lingers. More shocking still, it buries the nausea. After two more swigs I find that it actually helps me, too. There’s still a little vertigo, a little tinnitus—but as long as I stay seated … this is the best I’ve felt since I’ve been poisoned.
    “Now you’re talking!” Mark exclaims. He swipes the bottle back. “I’ll grab us some glasses, okay, Burger? Nice ones. Highball glasses. And some ice, too.”
    He scurries into the kitchen.
    Meanwhile Nikki stares at me, blinking the Wetness away.
    I have no idea What she’s thinking. I have no idea What any of us is thinking. It’s a unique experience. Usually I can at least speak for myself.
    Moments later Mark returns With glasses and ice. We squeeze into the couch together: boy-girl-boy. He pours us all generous servings.
    The ice crackles as We lift our scotches for a toast.
    “To life!” he shouts.
    I have to smile. I’ve never even had such lousy comic timing.
    Nikki shakes her head, embarrassed for all of us.
    “What?” Mark says. He sounds genuinely puzzled.
    “The toast, you dope.” Nikki groans.
    He blinks. “Oh. Well, What should I have said? To death?” He slurps his drink, draining about half of it. “Hand over that napkin. We’re here for Burger, remember? And if he isn’t gonna think about dying, then neither am I.”

Heroism, Nigeria, Bank Robbing, and Suicide
    Within the half hour, We’ve each downed two jumbo-sized scotches apiece. Mark has been a dervish of energy: putting on CDs, taking them off, refilling our drinks … and now he’s back on the couch, scribbling on the napkin. As the level of liquor in the bottle falls, the volume in the room rises. Soon We’re all shouting at one another. We can’t stop giggling, either. The three of us seem to be experiencing the same simultaneous hearing loss. Hey! I think, a lopsided grin on my face. Hearing loss is another one of the symptoms of Ménière’s disease! So now I’m three for four. And What Was the last one? Pressure in the ears?
    “Mark!” Nikki yells. “What are you Writing?”
    She’s slouched deep into the couch now. She’s slouched so deep that she’s practically horizontal. Her tank top is rumpled. Her scotch rests on her exposed navel. She taps the glass With her silver rings, smiling up at him.
    Mark tilts the napkin so all three of us can read What he’s jotting down:
    Do something truly heroic. Like rescue a baby from a burning building.
    Along these lines, actually GO to one of those third World countries Rachel is always talking about and do something positive THERE. (Like Nigeria or Wherever. But fast.)
    Rob a bank.
    Somehow I muster the strength to speak. “Whoa, Whoa, hold on. Rob a bank? Why do I have to do that?”
    He looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. “You have to do something bad to counterbalance the good, Burger,” he replies, slurring slightly. “Part of living life to the fullest is embracing the Dark Side.”
    I momentarily forget the poison. “The Dark Side? What is this, Star Wars?”
    Mark turns to Nikki, raising his hands as if to say: A little help?
    “Ted, you have to do something totally beyond the confines of morality,” Nikki explains, as if she and Mark have plotted this robbery numerous times in the past. “But listen. You aren’t gonna be alone. We’re gonna be With you all the Way, one hundred percent. When it comes time to knock over the bank, We’re gonna knock it over With you. I mean, aside from the obvious—you know, that a strong-through-the-door operation always requires a lookout, a driver, and a vault man—aside from all that, Which We’ll Worry about later …”
    I blink at her.
    Knock over? Strong-through-the-door operation? Vault man?
    She’s even drunker than I