Read Online Twitterature by Alexander Aciman - Free Book Online

and know not why. Smoked an entire pouch of tobacco instead.
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    A working girl in Staines gave me a clue about the factory owner. Heʼs a regular customer. Pays in gold coin. High roller.
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    Why are the lights at 221 Baker Street so damn bright in the morning? Why does Watson talk so loud? Elementary, my dear STFU!
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    The foreman/lover discovered a precious metal. The salt deposits were cyanide crystals to poison people who got in the way. Like him.
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    Note to self: Donʼt snort the crystals NO MATTER WHAT!
    Itch. Bugs in my skin. Need a line and a drink. Have the culprits poisoned me to keep me from foiling their dastardly plot? Nose bleeding.
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    Decided to call in the bobbies because confronting criminals is scary. I just like books, long walks on the beach, and deductive reasoning, you know?
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    Another case solved. Iʼm the Batman of Britain.
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    Robert Downey Jr playing me in a film? Totally cool. Perfect.

Eugene Onegin
    by Alexander Pushkin
    @MrDandyMan
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    Life is pretty boring when all you do is bag bitches, take names, and kick ass. Also I rock and roll all night. And every day.
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    Well almost as a magical cure for my boredom, my uncle is dead, and left me his house. Party in the countryside? Iʼll say.
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    Thereʼs a poet here, heʼs rather kind, Iʼm going to meet his family.
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    I always think the best way to get the ladies is to affect mystery and apathy.
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    His wifeʼs sister is a bookworm, but wants me. Iʼm getting a clinger vibe from her. She would marry me in thirty seconds if I were into down.
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    I got a really awkward love letter from the bookworm sister while I was walking around town.
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    Iʼm not going to dignify this hussy with a response. Iʼll just scare the shit out of her in the street. Or I can shun her.
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    Do I have to see this girl again? Sheʼll go Fatal Attraction on me. Iʼd rather have a concussion. Will she bother me, I wonder?
    Everyone told me I was very polite, but condescending. How can you both be polite and condescend? Irony? Hypocrisy?
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    Iʼve been invited to a ball by the poet. I dressed for three hours. Itʼs a miserable time because it reminds me of the damned aristocracy!
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    Iʼm so furious. I wanted to leave society and here I am again! The poet and his party are awful. Iʼll torment him by flirting with his wife.
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    He left in a rage. I got the best of that engagement. Does this sort of manipulative, demonic behavior work in real life?
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    Wanna hear something really funny? I try to sleep with his wife, he challenges me to a duel, I shoot him and he dies!
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    No, seriously, pumped some lead into him, spilled that lyrical blood. I messed him up, no surprise!
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    The lunatic damsel who I turned down rifled through my documents and thinks Iʼm nothing but an amalgam of literary heroes!
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    This place is crap, Iʼm leaving. I probably shouldnʼt have shot the poet. Bad, bad news. Iʼm a wicked person. Woah!
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    Remember that girl who wanted me, the clinger? Well I met her again, and she got really fine. I was such a fool!
    She says she canʼt love me just because she is married? Is she trying to gaslight me? What a tool.
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    She gave me a whole speech, like the one I gave her, about why she canʼt sleep with me.
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    Life kind of sucks, leave it to irony and selfishness to come back and bite me in the ass. Iʼm bored. Leave me be!

The Crying of Lot 49
    by Thomas Pynchon
    @WASTEdEnergy
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    Been made executor of my ex-boyfriendʼs estate. I guess thereʼs no such thing as a free gold-dig. Heading down to San Narciso tomorrow.
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    From hilltop, the city looks like a giant circuit board. I feel like this image might stick with me.
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    A circuit board is something that conveys information. Information seems like an important thing, but perhaps Iʼm missing something.
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    In the motel, watching bad TV