Read Online Truly Tasteless Jokes Two by Blanche Knott - Free Book Online

concerned about,” says the doctor reassuringly. “Many young women have surprisingly hearty appetites.”
    “Oh I know, doctor,” says the young man. “But my wife spends all day on all fours in the barn, and all she’ll eat is barley, oats, and hay.”
    “Hmmm,” says the doctor, sitting and thinking quietly for a few minutes. Then he turns and begins scribbling on a piece of paper.
    “Can you cure her, doctor?” asks the new husband anxiously. “Is that some sort of prescription?”
    “No, no, no,” says the doctor. “It’s a permit so she can shit in the streets.”
    *
    A lovelorn young man wrote to an advice columnist as follows:
Dear Abby,
I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I think she’s the one for me. There’s just one problem: I can’t remember from our first date if she told me she had T.B. or V.D. What should I do?
—Confused
Abby replies:
Dear Confused,
If she coughs, fuck her.
    *
    First guy: “Know how to keep an asshole in suspense?”
    Second guy: “No, how?”
    First guy: “I’ll tell you later.”
    *
    Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?
Nothing grows in the shade.
    *
    How can you tell Dolly Parton’s kids in the playground?
Stretch marks on their lips.
    *
    Did you hear about the eighty-year-old man who streaked the flower show?
He won first prize for his dried arrangement.
    *
    How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
Blow a little boogie into it.
    *
Joe: “How many birds in a flock?”
Sam: “I dunno.”
Joe: “How many bees in a hive?”
Sam: “I dunno.”
Joe: “How many lives does a cat have?”
Sam: “Nine.”
Joe: “Well how come if you don’t know shit about the birds and the bees, you know so much about pussy?”
    *
    What’s the worst thing about being an egg?
You only get laid once; you only get eaten once; it takes you ten minutes to get hard and three minutes to get soft; you come in a box with eleven other guys; and only your mother sits on your face.
    *
    What’s the definition of a real buddy?
Someone who’ll go downtown and get two blow jobs, and come back and give you one.
    *
    Two guys are walking across the street when they run into a mutual friend, and they comment on how prosperous-looking he is. It turns out he has every reason to be: he’s got an eighty-foot yacht, a beautiful wife, a private jet plane, and a million dollars in the bank.
    You can imagine their surprise when they run into him two weeks later, dressed in rags and shuffling along dejectedly. They press the sad story out of him. Apparently, he loaned the yacht to a friend who ran it aground and wrecked it, and he had no insurance.
    “So?” say the two guys. “It’s only a boat.”
    “Yes, but I didn’t have any insurance on the jet either, and it was destroyed in a fire at the airstrip.”
    “Hey, take heart,” say his friends, “at least you’ve still got your lovely wife and your bank balance.”
    “Not so fast, fellas,” says the poor guy. “My wife ditched me for another guy and her lawyer took me for every cent I had. I’ll tell you, if I’ve learned one thing from all of this, here’s what it is: If it flies, floats, or fucks, lease it.”
    *
    What’s the ultimate rejection?
While you’re masturbating, your hand falls asleep.
    *
    Did you hear about the latest over-the-counter scare?
Someone slipped Krazy Glue into Preparation H.
    *
This really conceited guy is fucking this really conceited girl.
Says she, “Aren’t I tight?”
Says he, “No, just full.”
    *
    Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty immensely profitable years in the construction business. “You know,” he laments to his friends, “over the years I have constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but am I known as Sam the Builder? No.
    “And over the years I have contributed literally millions of dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called Sam the Philanthropist? No, sir.
    “But suck one