Read Online To Mervas by Elisabeth Rynell - Free Book Online

what I truly think and feel.You know why? Because you wouldn’t understand it. You’re lost inside your pretty little world where everyone’s just friends and the notion of men and women, instinct and differences almost doesn’t exist!”
    I was aware of how agitated I sounded, half screaming, as if I were being attacked or held down by someone. As if I were afraid.
    â€œThat’s why I’ve never told you what I’ve felt when we’ve made love using contraception, without a thought of having children. You wouldn’t understand, you who live in your own sweet little fairy-tale world. But I want you to know that I’ve felt like a whore, like a cheap fucking whore every time you slept with me. And it’s you, Kosti – no one else – who’s defiled me, who’s made me dirty, who’s made me feel disgusted with myself, simply because you’ve denied me the right to be a woman. Do you get it? You’ve denied me my womanhood!”
    Kosti had now demonstratively turned away from me, letting his gaze disappear into the darkness outside the window. It was actually quite odd that he didn’t leave the room or at least growl at me to shut up. But this was a one-person show and my words could not be stopped. I was a ditch full of sewage and the messy words gushed out of me.
    â€œYour greatest flaw is that you don’t know what a woman is. No, you don’t, and you probably don’t know what a real man is either. You’d probably shit your pants if you met a real woman; she’d scare you, Kosti, because she’s not part of your worldview, she doesn’t exist in your pathetic, friendly teddy-bear world where every damned person is so smart and kind it makes me want to throw up. You know, a real woman, she is a mother, first and foremost a mother, and even if men can run around spreading their seed here and there – yes, spread it into the storm on the Orkney Islands, by all means, do that – women are made to carry, you understand, she wants to carry the heavy fruits, she wants to be fertilized and carry, fertilized and carry. You get what I’m saying? Shesimply doesn’t want to be some kind of fuck-buddy and have a good time between the sheets because that’s not what it’s about! No, she doesn’t want to be a worthless tramp, which you seem to want to reduce me to. That’s what you make me into when you humiliate me like this; you deny me the right to become a mother, you won’t make me feel like a real woman and give me a child even though I’ve asked for one. It’s the most revolting, cruel thing you can do to a woman, and that’s what I want you to understand, that’s what you have done to me with all your talk about contraceptives and wait until later and all that. That’s what you’ve done to me, that’s what you’ve done – ”
    Finally, I ran out of words. There was simply nothing more to say and I remember that I felt emptier than I ever had in my entire life. It was as if an army had passed through me, an army that had plundered and burned everything and left nothing behind but bare, scorched earth. The room was once again quiet. It was quiet for a long time. Until Kosti turned to me and looked at me with those eyes in which no love was left.
    â€œLeave,” he said. “I want you to leave. I don’t want to look at you. I no longer know you.”
    Feeling completely numb and blank inside, I went out to the hallway and put on my coat. Then, without a word, I left the apartment. All night, I lay folded in the backseat of the car with my eyes open. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t cry. And I remember that it felt terrible that I didn’t cry, that I couldn’t even cry.

January 19
    It is a Saturday evening in the apartment we call the Exception. Mom, my older sister, my twin brothers, and I are in the big sitting room drinking tea and listening