Read Online Mrs. Kormel Is Not Normal! by Dan Gutman - Free Book Online

1
Never Kiss Your Mom in Public
    My name is A.J. and I hate school.
    Do you know which is the worst day of the week? If you ask me, it’s Monday. Because Monday is the start of five days of school in a row. That’s horrible!
    Tuesday and Wednesday aren’t so great either.
    Thursday is a pretty good day, because then we only have one day of school left before the weekend.
    Friday is really good, because that’s when the school week is over.
    But the best day of the week is Saturday. I play peewee football on Saturday, and we don’t have school again for two whole days.
    Â 
    Too bad it was Monday morning. I was waiting in front of my house for the school bus with my mom.
    â€œYou be a good boy, A.J.,” my mom told me.
    â€œI will.”
    â€œDon’t get into any trouble, A.J.,” my mom told me.
    â€œI won’t.”
    â€œRemember to raise your hand when you want to talk, A.J.,” my mom told me.
    â€œI will.”
    â€œDon’t shoot straw wrappers at the girls, A.J.,” my mom told me.
    â€œI won’t.”
    My mom told me about a million hundred other things I wasn’t allowed to do until I saw the yellow school bus coming around the corner.
    â€œMom, I promise not to have any fun at all,” I said. “Bye!”
    The bus pulled up. Mrs. Kormel, thebus driver, pushed a button and made the little STOP sign pop out the side of the bus so the cars on the street will stop. We call it the magic STOP sign. That thing is cool.
    â€œGive Mommy a kiss, A.J.”
    No way I was going to kiss my mother in front of all the kids staring out the bus window. That’s the first rule of being a kid. Don’t ever kiss your mother when other kids are watching!
    â€œUh, I don’t want to be late for school, Mom.”
    â€œGive Mommy a kiss, A.J.”
    â€œThat’s not gonna happen, Mom.”
    â€œGive Mommy a kiss, A.J.”
    â€œOver my dead body, Mom.”
    â€œGive Mommy a kiss, A.J.”

    â€œI will if you give me a hundred dollars, Mom,” I said.
    My mother tried to wrap her arms around me, but I know how to get away from tacklers. When Mom went to grab me, I threw her a head fake, spun away,and gave her a few of my best fancy foot-work moves that I learned playing peewee football. She didn’t have a chance! I sidestepped her and ran on the bus before she could hug or kiss me.
    Ha-ha-ha! My mom can’t play football for beans. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her!

2
Mrs. Kormel’s Secret Language
    I dashed on the bus and there was Mrs. Kormel, the school bus driver. She was wearing a crash helmet on her head and a silver whistle around her neck.
    â€œBingle boo, A.J.!” she said.
    â€œBingle boo, Mrs. Kormel.”
    â€œBingle boo” is Mrs. Kormel’s way ofsaying “hello.” One time I asked her why she doesn’t just say “hello” like normal people.

    â€œI’m inventing my own secret language,” she told me. “ Everybody says ‘hello.’ But I think ‘hello’ is boring. I’m trying to get people to switch from saying ‘hello’to saying ‘bingle boo.’ Secret languages are fun!”
    Mrs. Kormel is not normal.
    â€œLimpus kidoodle,” said Mrs. Kormel. That means “sit down” in Mrs. Kormel’s secret language.
    I looked around the bus. There was a snot-covered kindergartner in the front row behind Mrs. Kormel, and a few angry fifth graders in the back row.
    Fifth graders are really mean because they get a lot of homework. The more homework you get, the meaner you are. That’s why fifth graders are meaner than fourth graders, and fourth graders are meaner than third graders, and thirdgraders are meaner than second graders.
    You don’t want to go near seventh or eighth graders. They get lots of homework, and they just hate the world. I hope I never get to high school.
    I sat down in the middle by myself. Mrs. Kormel