Read Online Maybe (Maybe Not) by Robert Fulghum - Free Book Online

the Pun Foundation
    Clowns of America International
    Burlington Liars’ Club
    Thimble Collectors International
    National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance
    Fairy Investigation Society
    The Anti-Circumcision League
    The International Federation of Tiddlywinks Associations
    American Poultry Historical Society
    Spark Plug Collectors of America
    Count Dracula Fan Club
    Bobs International
    Snowdome Collectors’ Association
    Liberace Fan Club
    National Pygmy Goat Association
    The Howdy Doody Memorabilia Collectors Club
    The American Fancy Rat and Mouse Association
    The Flying Funeral Directors of America
    Bat Conservation International
    American Council of Spotted Asses, Inc.
    American Roller Coaster Enthusiasts
    Procrastinators’ Club of America
    The Society for the Investigation of the Unexplained
    Membership in the last organization appealed to me, because I had not solicited this remarkable pile of mail and had a hard time explaining to my secretary and wife how this barrage came about. I could qualify for the Society for the Investigation of the Unexplained.
    At first, I found the brochures amusing, then amazing, then fascinating.
    Most are serious organizations, and their existence could be taken seriously.
    The right to freely associate and assemble is what our country is about.
    Here’s proof at least that some of us are taking advantage of the privilege.
    There must be thousands and thousands of organizedgroups—finding kinship around almost every human interest or point of view. These organizations illustrate our need for company—to know we are not entirely one of a kind, despite a paradoxical need to be unique.
    I received material from one man who was the only member of his group. But he found there were others who also belonged to one-person groups, so he now heads up the International Association of Single-Minded Rogue Males and One Person Clubs.
    As the unsolicited mail continued to pour in, I realized this had to be the work of a practical joker. One of my friends had set me up. I had three in mind. The three friends with the most complex senses of mischief, who always operate on the other side of the conventional. Not wanting to tip my hand, I carefully stalked the suspects for weeks.
    When I was sure I knew which of my friends submitted my name to all these groups, I sent in
his
name and the membership fees and joined him up to all of them.
    The tables are turned on him.
    But no. The
joke
is on
me.
    I guessed the wrong friend.
    And the guy I did join to all these groups is as blown away by his membership mail as I was. Congratulations to him! There are now
two
members of the Where-the-Hell-Did-This-Come-From? Mystery Mail Association. Welcome to our club!

F or most of my life, I have known very few people with my last name, Fulghum (full-jum). My immediate family was small and died off early, leaving me the last apple on this branch of the family tree. As a result of recent genealogical research on the part of several distant relatives, it became clear that anybody with our last name was kinfolks. For the last several years we have held a national reunion. There are enough Robert Fulghums to form a baseball team.
    As you might expect, as we have assembled our family tree, much attention is paid to the more famous figures of the past to whom we are supposedly related. Viking sea-rovers, kings, crusaders, knights, dukes, and those who accompanied conquerors and invaders hither and yon.
    But I’m not really so sure we should be so proudof all of these guys. Weren’t they greedy pillagers and plunderers who made war on innocent people? Weren’t they feudal landlords who oppressed the peasants? Weren’t they migrant exploiters looking for something for nothing?
    And how about the women—it bothers me that the great women are left out of the family hall of heroes.
    In addition to the exemplars, I’d also bet our family has had its share of chowderheads, liars, chicken thieves, pickpockets, cowards, bad