Read Online Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Married by Heather McElhatton - Free Book Online

might be shaved and waxed, but he’ll still be hairy. Be prepared when he takes his sweater off; it might look like he’s still wearing a sweater.
    5. You’ll never appreciate the word “deflowering” again.
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    It’s just for fun. Obviously I would never show this to her, even if it is accurate and potentially helpful. Sex is no ballet. The faster you accept that, the better.
    When Brad finally comes home, it’s late. I’m already in bed, having fallen asleep with all the lights on. Brad gently shakes my shoulder. “Babe? You up? I have something to tell you!” He’s terribly excited. I manage to put on my bathrobe and reheat his dinner—takeout from D’Amico—as he explains the situation.
    Apparently, Ed Keller is putting both Brad and Sarah on “probation” until next spring, and at the end of that time whoever proves to be the better candidate will get the job. He says it’s the way to get everything he wants. To run the company without his sister. Brad says our entire future depends on what we do in the next several months. How we act. Who we are. How we seem. “We have to become the obvious candidates for the position,” Brad says. “Dad wants to see which of us handles the pressure and the responsibility better. He’s going to watch us and test us, and whoever does better gets everything.”
    I can’t believe Ed’s pitting his own children against each other. What am I saying? Of course he is. When Great-Grandpa Keller built the company, he designed the bylaws so that no individual family member could own the company outright. He made it impossible for any one family member to own more shares than the others. He knew what a pack of jackals they could be. The rule was to prevent hostile takeovers among loved ones.
    Smart guy.
    â€œRight now, I can’t own more shares of the company than Sarah does,” Brad explains, “and vice versa, but if I become the president, I’ll have veto power. I can petition for and even force a board member’s removal.”
    â€œYou’d get rid of your sister?”
    â€œJen, I’m not trying to sound dramatic . . . but she’s evil. She buried me alive once. Literally. She buried me in a cave up at the cabin. Then she told my parents I ran away. It took them three days to find me.”
    â€œYou know she tells that story differently. In her version you’re evil.”
    â€œTodd says once I replace her—and enough of the board members—I can petition to change the bylaws themselves, which means I can own the whole thing!”
    â€œTodd?”
    â€œI like the Brock,” he says. “The Brock is on our side.”
    I want to say the Brock is on my hit list . . . but I don’t want to dampen the mood.
    We put together the perfect plan for becoming the perfect couple right then and there. It’s a concept I’ve been working on all along, but it’s nice to have my husband on board. Brad is determined to show his parents that we are worthy of running Keller’s and I’m so glad/honored/relieved to be in on one of Brad’s schemes for once, I pour cup after cup of coffee and eagerly agree to all his ideas. I promise to be the most perfect wife around. Ed Keller will see our amazing, awesome life and he’ll have no choice but to hand Brad the store. Like all strong military campaigns, ours has a name. We call our plan Operation Hotdish.
    I’m to become a trophy wife, a beautiful, poised, and gracious goddess of all domestic skills. We’ll go to the Kellers’ house for supper; we’ll attend church and show up at the country club for all the right social occasions. Brad will work strict hours at the office; he’ll have dinners, drinks, and regular tee times with investors, importers, clients, and key customers, not to mention with the dusty old white-haired board members. We’ll