Read Online The Nanny Piggins Guide to Conquering Christmas by R. A. Spratt - Free Book Online Page B

Piggins, ‘and I believed it at the time. But I think that was because I had just found a chocolate bar down the back of the sofa, so my opinion was influenced by the deliciousness of that chocolate.’
    ‘Well, there won’t be any chocolate or boxing today,’ said Michael glumly.
    ‘Why not?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘Because it’s Boxing Day,’ said Samantha.
    ‘So?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘In the Green family,’ explained Derrick, ‘Boxing Day is the day when all the extended family gets together.’
    ‘To do what?’ asked Nanny Piggins, assuming there would, at the very least, be some sort of cake-based ritual.
    ‘Nothing, we just get together,’ said Samantha.
    ‘And the police allow this?’ asked Nanny Piggins. ‘Because, and no offence here, children. As you know, I think you three are all lovely . . .’
    ‘Thank you,’ said the children.
    ‘But I am assuming your extended family takes after your father in their lack of charisma and basic hygiene,’ guessed Nanny Piggins.
    ‘You’re right,’ agreed Derrick.
    ‘So surely allowing so many painfully boring and tedious people together in one place could be dangerous,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Their anti-personality could act like antimatter and cause a black hole, sucking the entire planet into its vortex and destroying the galaxy.’
    ‘Have you been watching astronomy documentaries?’ asked Derrick.
    ‘No, Star Trek ,’ explained Nanny Piggins. ‘It can be tremendously educational.’
    ‘The relatives come over every year and the galaxy has never imploded before,’ said Samantha.
    ‘That’s just what you think to the best of your knowledge,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘But what if the galaxy had imploded and you just didn’t notice because you were in the eye of the implosion so everything seemed the same.’
    ‘My head is hurting,’ said Michael. ‘This is too much to think about before breakfast.’
    ‘You mean you haven’t eaten?’ exclaimed a shocked Nanny Piggins. ‘Didn’t you find the chocolate friands I made you? There are 12 dozen waiting for you in the kitchen.’
    The children found that after the thought-provoking philosophical discussion they actually did have an appetite for a few friands.
    ‘So when do your dreadful relatives arrive?’ asked Nanny Piggins as she chomped on the seventy-sixth friand.
    ‘They are invited to arrive at 10 am,’ said Samantha, ‘so most of them arrive between 8 and 9 o’clock. Then they can judge the ones who are on time for being late.’
    ‘And what refreshments will your father provide?’ asked Nanny Piggins, getting to the nub of what was, in her mind, the most important consideration.
    ‘He doesn’t provide refreshments,’ said Michael.
    ‘What?!’ exploded Nanny Piggins. ‘I know I shouldn’t be shocked by the depths of your father’s depravity after all that I have seen him do. But to invite over guests and not supply refreshments is positively inhumane. How can you be expected to endure the company of cousins, great aunts and, even worse, great uncles, if you are unable to shove a slice of cake in your mouth?’
    ‘That’s the whole reason Father offers to host. That way he gets out of providing refreshments,’ explained Derrick. ‘He provides the venue and tells all the guests to bring a plate.’
    ‘A plate?’ asked Nanny Piggins. ‘Why? Is it a Greek-themed party? Are they going to smash the plates, preferably over your father’s head, because if that is the case I may change my mind and throw my support behind the occasion.’
    ‘No, when you ask people to bring a plate it means you want them to bring a plate of food,’ explained Samantha. ‘Then everyone shares.’
    ‘Just one plate each?’ asked Nanny Piggins. ‘That will be inhaled in a millisecond! Then what will they do? Goodness knows, being Greens they’ll have nothing to say to each other.’
    ‘To be fair,’ said Derrick, ‘Father does provide entertainment.’
    ‘Really? Well,