Read Online The Nanny Piggins Guide to Conquering Christmas by R. A. Spratt - Free Book Online Page A

once played a game of Sardines that lasted for six days. Luckily I had several cakes sewn into the hem of my dress so the six other players and I were able to sustain ourselves in our hiding position in a freestanding wardrobe. It was only on the seventh day, when it occurred to us that perhaps we should climb down and check, that we discovered that the last player had got bored and gone back home to Belgium.
    Nevertheless, Sardines is an excellent game.

The children sat slumped and exhausted at the breakfast table. It was Boxing Day so they didn’t really want to eat breakfast because they had eaten so much the day before. But they knew suggesting to Nanny Piggins that they might skip a meal could lead to a long lecture on the importance of regular meals (she had no notion of the idea of injuring yourself from overeating), so the children dutifully slouched by the table waiting for her to appear. They expected her to burst out of the kitchen with chocolate-covered pancakes, or chocolate-covered waffles or chocolate-covered chocolate, like she normally did. But unsurprisingly, she managed to totally surprise them by bursting in through the hallway door dressed up from head to foot as a boxer.
    The children did not know what to say. Partly because they were still brain-addled from all the calories they had consumed the day before, and partly because it had never occurred to them that their nanny might appear at the breakfast table dressed as a pugilist.
    Derrick had only had seven helpings of Christmas pudding the day before so he was the first to gather his wits and ask, ‘Nanny Piggins, why are you wearing black silk shorts, a vest and boxing gloves?’
    ‘I’m dressed up for the boxing, of course,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Who are we going to fight first? Can we go down to the school? I’d love to take a swing at Headmaster Pimplestock for that disparaging remark he made about Michael’s penmanship in his last report card.’
    ‘I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick,’ said Michael.
    ‘That’s a good idea,’ said Nanny Piggins enthusiastically. ‘After we’re done with the boxing, I could hit him with a stick too.’
    ‘Nanny Piggins,’ said Samantha carefully. She did not want to enrage her nanny when she was dressed for a day of violence. ‘You do realise that on Boxing Day there is no actual boxing?’
    ‘What?!’ exclaimed Nanny Piggins. ‘No boxing?! Is this some sort of cruel joke? If there is no boxing, why do they call it Boxing Day?’
    The children looked at each other. They had no idea. Now that they thought about it, they realised it made very little sense. It would be like calling the day after Easter ‘Kung Fu Day’, then scheduling no martial arts at all.
    ‘Are you telling me that today is Boxing Day and yet I’m not going to be allowed to hit anybody at all?’ asked Nanny Piggins.
    ‘Well, no more than usual anyway,’ said Derrick.
    ‘What a dreadful disappointment,’ said Nanny Piggins as she slumped on a dining chair. ‘Still, it makes sense. I had wondered why everyone was so excited by Christmas, which is just a day of presents and eating. Boxing Day seemed so much more fun, you get all the leftover food plus the chance to hit people.’
    ‘We’re sorry for your loss,’ said Michael sympathetically.
    ‘So what are we going to do today?’ asked Nanny Piggins. ‘All the shops are shut. Anyway, I’ve been banned from the sweet shop and the Chocolatorium for a week while they repair the damages from my pre-Christmas shopping frenzy.’

    ‘To be strictly accurate,’ said Derrick, ‘it was more of an eating frenzy.’
    ‘Well, it seemed such a shame to take the chocolate home, wrap it up and give it to someone else,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Much better to eat it while it’s fresh and flavoursome.’
    ‘Last week you told me chocolate tasted better when you let it mature down the back of the sofa for a month,’ said Michael.
    ‘I know,’ agreed Nanny