Read Online The Mopwater Files by John R. Erickson - Free Book Online

“But I can see that you’re not, because you’re nothing but a couple of ignorant barbarians.”
    They nodded their heads and laughed. “Coyote not give hoot for being ashamed. Coyote not give hoot for nothing. Ignoramus coyote brothers prouder and proudest, ’cause Rip and Snort love being ignor-rent.”
    And with that, the brothers cut loose with a song. I know, it was an odd time for them to burst into a song, but those guys were pretty strange. Here’s how it went.
    We’re Proud to Be Ignoramuses
    A cannibal’s life’s the one for us,
    We’re as happy as we can be.
    We’ve got no job or worries
    Or responsibilities.
    We ain’t too swift on thinking,
    We ain’t too sharp in math.
    We’re experts, though, at stinking
    â€™Cause we never take a bath.
    We’re proud to be ignoramuses,
    Ramuses, ramuses.
    We just love being ignoramuses,
    It’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
    Me and Rip never went to school
    Or learned arithmetic.
    But we’ve got our own method for counting
    And it works out pretty slick.
    We point with our toes and call out the count,
    â€œOne, four, seven.”
    And if someone says, “You guys can’t count,”
    We beat him up. It works. Ho, ho.
    We’re proud to be ignoramuses,
    Ramuses, ramuses.
    We just love being ignoramuses,
    It’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
    We’re ignor-rent of language
    And proud of it to boot.
    We’re fluent in burping and belching
    And we don’t give a hoot.
    And as for the writing of portry and songs
    With rhyming and rhythm and stuff.
    We do if we want and don’t if we don’t,
    And if you don’t like it we’ll break your face.
    We’re proud to be ignoramuses,
    Ramuses, ramuses.
    We just love being ignoramuses,
    It’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
    We’re proud to be ignoramuses,
    It expresses our deepest thoughts.
    We figger we’re both getting famouses
    For the science of mental rot.
    And one of these days we’ll win an award.
    You weenies’ll be so surprised.
    Not the Nobel or Pulitzer,
    But the Ignoramus Prize, ha ha.
    We’re proud to be ignoramuses,
    Ramuses, ramuses.
    We just love being ignoramuses,
    It’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys.
    When they had finished singing the . . . uh . . . song . . . whatever it was . . . when they had finished their latest piece of coyote trash, they yipped and whooped, howled and hollered and hopped, leaped and jumped and congratulated each other for being such wonderful singers and composers.
    Then they turned toothy grins on Madame. “What little owl thinking now of Rip and Snort?”
    She rolled her eyes and gave her head a shake. “That was the worst song I ever heard, or ever dreamed of hearing.”
    Their grins wilted. “Song not worst. Song gooder and goodest. Song expresserating deepest thoughts of ignoramous coyote brothers.”
    â€œIt was so bad, you may very well have set all music back fifty years.”
    â€œLittle owl better not talking trash about coyote music, ’cause Rip and Snort berry greater singest in whole world. Also hungry for owl supper, oh boy.”
    â€œIf you’re such good singers and if your song was so wonderful, why did those weeds over there begin to wilt in the middle of your song?”
    All eyes swung to the north, to a small patch of careless weeds. By George, they had all withered and died.
    â€œHa! Must be pretty strong music, killing weeds.”
    â€œYes indeed. Poisonous is the word.”
    â€œRuffian brothers not give a hoot for weeds, ready insteader for supper of fresh owl.”
    Their yellow eyes began to sparkle and their tongues swept across their respective mouths. I was watching all of this from my hiding place in the brush, and I kept waiting for Madame to . . . well, DO SOMETHING. Why was she just sitting there? I mean, she had magical powers. Why wasn’t she using