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Authors: Oscar Wilde
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laugh, my boy, but it is a great thing to come across a woman who thoroughly understands one.
D UMBY . It is an awfully dangerous thing. They always end by marrying one.
C ECIL G RAHAM . But I thought, Tuppy, you were never going to see her again. Yes! you told me so yesterday evening at the club. You said you’d heard——
(Whispering to him.)
L ORD A UGUSTUS . Oh, she’s explained that.
C ECIL G RAHAM . And the Wiesbaden affair?
L ORD A UGUSTUS . She’s explained that too.
D UMBY . And her income, Tuppy? Has she explained that?
L ORD A UGUSTUS .
(In a very serious voice.)
She’s going to explain that to-morrow.
(Cecil Graham goes back to C. table.)
D UMBY . Awfully commercial, women now-a-days. Our grandmothers threw their caps over the mills, of course, but, by Jove, their granddaughters only throw their caps over mills that can raise the wind for them.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . You want to make her out a wicked woman. She is not!
C ECIL G RAHAM . Oh! Wicked women bother one. Good women bore one. That is the only difference between them.
L ORD A UGUSTUS .
(Puffing a cigar.)
Mrs. Erlynne has a future before her.
D UMBY . Mrs. Erlynne has a past before her.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . I prefer women with a past. They’re always so demmed amusing to talk to.
C ECIL G RAHAM . Well, you’ll have lots of topics of conversation with
her
, Tuppy.
(Rising and going to him.)
L ORD A UGUSTUS . You’re getting annoying, dear boy; you’re getting demmed annoying.
C ECIL G RAHAM .
(Puts his hands on his shoulders.)
Now, Tuppy, you’velost your figure and you’ve lost your character. Don’t lose your temper; you have only got one.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . My dear boy, if I wasn’t the most good-natured man in London——
C ECIL G RAHAM . We’d treat you with more respect, wouldn’t we, Tuppy?
(Strolls away.)
D UMBY . The youth of the present day are quite monstrous. They have absolutely no respect for dyed hair.
(Lord Augustus looks round angrily.)
C ECIL G RAHAM . Mrs. Erlynne has a very great respect for dear Tuppy.
D UMBY . Then Mrs. Erlynne sets an admirable example to the rest of her sex. It is perfectly brutal the way most women now-a-days behave to men who are not their husbands.
L ORD W INDERMERE . Dumby, you are ridiculous, and Cecil, you let your tongue run away with you. You must leave Mrs. Erlynne alone. You don’t really know anything about her, and you’re always talking scandal against her.
C ECIL G RAHAM .
(Coming towards him L.C.)
My dear Arthur, I never talk scandal.
I
only talk gossip.
L ORD W INDERMERE . What is the difference between scandal and gossip?
C ECIL G RAHAM . Oh! gossip is charming! History is merely gossip. But scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. Now, I never moralise. A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralises is invariably plain. There is nothing in the whole world so unbecoming to a woman as a Nonconformist conscience. And most women know it, I’m glad to say.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . Just my sentiments, dear boy, just my sentiments.
C ECIL G RAHAM . Sorry to hear it, Tuppy; whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . My dear boy, when I was your age——
C ECIL G RAHAM . But you never were, Tuppy, and you never will be.
(Goes up C.)
I say, Darlington, let us have some cards. You’ll play, Arthur, won’t you.
L ORD W INDERMERE . No, thanks, Cecil.
D UMBY .
(With a sigh.)
Good heavens! how marriage ruins a man! It’s as demoralising as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
C ECIL G RAHAM. You’ll play, of course, Tuppy?
L ORD A UGUSTUS .
(Pouring himself out a brandy and soda at table.)
Can’t, dear boy. Promised Mrs. Erlynne never to play or drink again.
C ECIL G RAHAM. Now, my dear Tuppy, don’t be led astray into the paths of virtue. Reformed, you would be perfectly tedious. That is the worst of women. They always want one to be good. And if we are good, when they meet us, they don’t love us at
D UMBY . It is an awfully dangerous thing. They always end by marrying one.
C ECIL G RAHAM . But I thought, Tuppy, you were never going to see her again. Yes! you told me so yesterday evening at the club. You said you’d heard——
(Whispering to him.)
L ORD A UGUSTUS . Oh, she’s explained that.
C ECIL G RAHAM . And the Wiesbaden affair?
L ORD A UGUSTUS . She’s explained that too.
D UMBY . And her income, Tuppy? Has she explained that?
L ORD A UGUSTUS .
(In a very serious voice.)
She’s going to explain that to-morrow.
(Cecil Graham goes back to C. table.)
D UMBY . Awfully commercial, women now-a-days. Our grandmothers threw their caps over the mills, of course, but, by Jove, their granddaughters only throw their caps over mills that can raise the wind for them.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . You want to make her out a wicked woman. She is not!
C ECIL G RAHAM . Oh! Wicked women bother one. Good women bore one. That is the only difference between them.
L ORD A UGUSTUS .
(Puffing a cigar.)
Mrs. Erlynne has a future before her.
D UMBY . Mrs. Erlynne has a past before her.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . I prefer women with a past. They’re always so demmed amusing to talk to.
C ECIL G RAHAM . Well, you’ll have lots of topics of conversation with
her
, Tuppy.
(Rising and going to him.)
L ORD A UGUSTUS . You’re getting annoying, dear boy; you’re getting demmed annoying.
C ECIL G RAHAM .
(Puts his hands on his shoulders.)
Now, Tuppy, you’velost your figure and you’ve lost your character. Don’t lose your temper; you have only got one.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . My dear boy, if I wasn’t the most good-natured man in London——
C ECIL G RAHAM . We’d treat you with more respect, wouldn’t we, Tuppy?
(Strolls away.)
D UMBY . The youth of the present day are quite monstrous. They have absolutely no respect for dyed hair.
(Lord Augustus looks round angrily.)
C ECIL G RAHAM . Mrs. Erlynne has a very great respect for dear Tuppy.
D UMBY . Then Mrs. Erlynne sets an admirable example to the rest of her sex. It is perfectly brutal the way most women now-a-days behave to men who are not their husbands.
L ORD W INDERMERE . Dumby, you are ridiculous, and Cecil, you let your tongue run away with you. You must leave Mrs. Erlynne alone. You don’t really know anything about her, and you’re always talking scandal against her.
C ECIL G RAHAM .
(Coming towards him L.C.)
My dear Arthur, I never talk scandal.
I
only talk gossip.
L ORD W INDERMERE . What is the difference between scandal and gossip?
C ECIL G RAHAM . Oh! gossip is charming! History is merely gossip. But scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. Now, I never moralise. A man who moralises is usually a hypocrite, and a woman who moralises is invariably plain. There is nothing in the whole world so unbecoming to a woman as a Nonconformist conscience. And most women know it, I’m glad to say.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . Just my sentiments, dear boy, just my sentiments.
C ECIL G RAHAM . Sorry to hear it, Tuppy; whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.
L ORD A UGUSTUS . My dear boy, when I was your age——
C ECIL G RAHAM . But you never were, Tuppy, and you never will be.
(Goes up C.)
I say, Darlington, let us have some cards. You’ll play, Arthur, won’t you.
L ORD W INDERMERE . No, thanks, Cecil.
D UMBY .
(With a sigh.)
Good heavens! how marriage ruins a man! It’s as demoralising as cigarettes, and far more expensive.
C ECIL G RAHAM. You’ll play, of course, Tuppy?
L ORD A UGUSTUS .
(Pouring himself out a brandy and soda at table.)
Can’t, dear boy. Promised Mrs. Erlynne never to play or drink again.
C ECIL G RAHAM. Now, my dear Tuppy, don’t be led astray into the paths of virtue. Reformed, you would be perfectly tedious. That is the worst of women. They always want one to be good. And if we are good, when they meet us, they don’t love us at
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