Read Online The Gospel According to the Son by Norman Mailer - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Norman Mailer
Ads: Link
at Machaerus. Now they were furnished with questions to ask. "Are you the one who is to come?" was John's question. "Or am I to look for another?"
My disciples were distrustful of Johns disciples. They said: "The Baptist is jealous of you."
I would not believe that. If John no longer said that I was the one to follow him, it was because he had heard I was consorting with sinners. In how much distrust must John now live! The walls of a dungeon weigh upon thought; they bend certainty. John might no longer know me. Could he understand that my power to work miracles was a sign that the Lord was not displeased that I sat at table with sinners? Could John not see that I was still his messenger? I said to the two people who had come from John: "The lame walk. Lepers are cleansed. Demons are driven out. Those with palsy no longer tremble. Blessed is any man who shall not be offended in me." And I sent these two messengers away. But among my own people, I defended John: "Among those who are born of women," I told them, "there has not risen a greater man than John the Baptist." Now, my disciples did not understand. They could only hear my words as a diminishment of myself.
Not even with all they had seen were my disciples certain who I might be.
To this same house now came my mother with my brothers, James and John. Standing outside, they called for me. But a multitude was all about and I did not hear them. Then one man cried: "Behold, your mother and your brothers look for you." I still did not reply. I had heard that my mother was arguing with my followers. She had said that I was wrong to perform cures on the Sabbath and so must be full of devils. My brothers said worse. They said that I was not of a proper mind. They had come to take me home. Indeed, I had always known that my brothers were jealous of me. So when the man cried out again, "Behold, your mother and your brothers look for you," I answered, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" And I stared at all in the room as if I had need of every man and woman there. I said, "These are my brothers! Those who are with me. For he who does the will of God is my brother and my mother."
Later, I would hear that my mother wept when my words were repeated to her. How I wished to gather those words back. I owed much to her, even if our ways together had never been smooth. She had lived in so much fear. When I was young, she had made me afraid of Romans, too afraid. And she was lacking in pride when she spoke to wealthy Jews; she felt they were more important than herself. All of this had served to feed my anger.
22
In the evening, being not without remorse at what I had said about my mother, I felt a need to go to the sea and said to my disciples, "Let us pass over to the other side."
Now, they had been feasting in every house that welcomed us. They had certainly noticed that the rich in these towns around Capernaum were often ready to receive us. So my disciples ate well and drank much and had few cares. But I needed peace.
In these weeks many sick people had been conducted to me, and many who were mad; also those with sore limbs. I had tried to heal them all. And when the Holy Spirit passed from my heart to my hand, one touch could make them well.
Yet at such times I would recall the leap I had not taken on the invitation of the Devil. Now, even as the grace of healing passed from my hand into the body of whoever was before me, I could still feel the mark of cowardice on my own flesh. For it is cowardly to fear death as I had feared it. Now I would make amends by recalling my shame. That was just. I would not be proud of my good deeds. I would brood upon my hour with the Devil. Had I given some of my fealty to him?
Such sentiments would return whenever I found people whom I could not cure. I saw darkness in their eyes, and that could make them seem like angels of Satan. I knew I had need again of the sea, or of a lake as large as the Sea of Galilee, so that I could free my
My disciples were distrustful of Johns disciples. They said: "The Baptist is jealous of you."
I would not believe that. If John no longer said that I was the one to follow him, it was because he had heard I was consorting with sinners. In how much distrust must John now live! The walls of a dungeon weigh upon thought; they bend certainty. John might no longer know me. Could he understand that my power to work miracles was a sign that the Lord was not displeased that I sat at table with sinners? Could John not see that I was still his messenger? I said to the two people who had come from John: "The lame walk. Lepers are cleansed. Demons are driven out. Those with palsy no longer tremble. Blessed is any man who shall not be offended in me." And I sent these two messengers away. But among my own people, I defended John: "Among those who are born of women," I told them, "there has not risen a greater man than John the Baptist." Now, my disciples did not understand. They could only hear my words as a diminishment of myself.
Not even with all they had seen were my disciples certain who I might be.
To this same house now came my mother with my brothers, James and John. Standing outside, they called for me. But a multitude was all about and I did not hear them. Then one man cried: "Behold, your mother and your brothers look for you." I still did not reply. I had heard that my mother was arguing with my followers. She had said that I was wrong to perform cures on the Sabbath and so must be full of devils. My brothers said worse. They said that I was not of a proper mind. They had come to take me home. Indeed, I had always known that my brothers were jealous of me. So when the man cried out again, "Behold, your mother and your brothers look for you," I answered, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" And I stared at all in the room as if I had need of every man and woman there. I said, "These are my brothers! Those who are with me. For he who does the will of God is my brother and my mother."
Later, I would hear that my mother wept when my words were repeated to her. How I wished to gather those words back. I owed much to her, even if our ways together had never been smooth. She had lived in so much fear. When I was young, she had made me afraid of Romans, too afraid. And she was lacking in pride when she spoke to wealthy Jews; she felt they were more important than herself. All of this had served to feed my anger.
22
In the evening, being not without remorse at what I had said about my mother, I felt a need to go to the sea and said to my disciples, "Let us pass over to the other side."
Now, they had been feasting in every house that welcomed us. They had certainly noticed that the rich in these towns around Capernaum were often ready to receive us. So my disciples ate well and drank much and had few cares. But I needed peace.
In these weeks many sick people had been conducted to me, and many who were mad; also those with sore limbs. I had tried to heal them all. And when the Holy Spirit passed from my heart to my hand, one touch could make them well.
Yet at such times I would recall the leap I had not taken on the invitation of the Devil. Now, even as the grace of healing passed from my hand into the body of whoever was before me, I could still feel the mark of cowardice on my own flesh. For it is cowardly to fear death as I had feared it. Now I would make amends by recalling my shame. That was just. I would not be proud of my good deeds. I would brood upon my hour with the Devil. Had I given some of my fealty to him?
Such sentiments would return whenever I found people whom I could not cure. I saw darkness in their eyes, and that could make them seem like angels of Satan. I knew I had need again of the sea, or of a lake as large as the Sea of Galilee, so that I could free my
Similar Books
