Read Online Dead is the New Black by Marianne Stillings - Free Book Online Page B

man of
middle years. “Stephanie, this is Robert Renfield, the docudrama’s
director.” Renfield gave me a brief who-the-hell-cares smile.
    Catapulting from a chair next to Igor and
Wolf’s love seat, a tall, gaunt, pale man in his thirties stretched
his hand toward me. As I reached around my mom, he said, “Barnaby
Karloff. I’m writing the screenplay for this little project. I
understand you’re a writer? A novelist?” He released my hand and
stepped back toward his chair.
    “Was,” I said softly. “I was a novelist. What is your screenplay about?”
    “About a hundred pages,” he gushed, then
laughed as though he assumed I’d never heard that lame line before.
Recovering, he rushed, “Hey, just kidding, kiddo. A little
Hollywood humor.”
    Very little
indeed.
    He tapped his index finger against the hollow
of his cheek. “You see, it’s the true story of capital V Vampires. God knows they’ve been maligned for
two hundred years. We felt we owed it to this oppressed and
misunderstood people to set the record straight.”
    I felt more obligated than curious, to ask
the question, “What’s the title?”
    He lifted his shoulders in a sort of helpless
shrug. “What else? The Vampire Strikes
Back .”
    Of course it is. “Sounds perfect.”
    Next, Jon introduced Teri Van Helsing,
actress, and Harry Nuckles, actor.
    “Hey,” Teri said with a little wave. “Welcome
to the madhouse, sweetie.”
    The requisite blonde bombshell, Teri almost
certainly had more brains in her implants than in her head. What
role could this sexpot possibly play in a Vampire docudrama? “What
part do you play?”
    She winked. “The female lead, of course.
Leech.”
    It was all I could do to keep from keeling
over. The best I could manage was to clamp my jaw shut and make no
comment whatsoever. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Leech
nodding her approval.
    “It is like looking in zee mirror,” she
drawled. Since I’d been lead to believe creatures of the night had
no reflections in a mirror, if Leech was happy with the casting
choice, who was I to challenge it?
    At that point, Harry spread his arms as
though he expected to wrap me in a big bear hug. “Stephanie,” he
said with a beaming Bucky Beaver smile. “C’mere, baby, and give old
Harry a proper welcome.”
    Not gonna
happen.
    Harry Nuckles appeared to be in his
midforties. His hair was too black and too long for a man his age,
not to mention the disconcerting constant expression of surprise
that was undoubtedly the result of too severe a face-lift, or too
much Botox, or both.
    I sidestepped Harry, keeping my mom and her
wheelchair between us.
    “Nice to meet you all,” I said to the room at
large, and left it at that.
    “Say, where’s Percy?” This from Renfield who
stood, hands on his hips, a bemused look on his face as he surveyed
the room. “Somebody forget to tell Percy about this little
confab?”
    Jon stepped into the center of the room.
“Percy Usher is the reason I’ve called you all here. There has been
a development.”
    Teri Van BoobJob leaped to her feet with a
breathy, “What kind of”—dramatic pause—“development?”
    “I’m sorry to have to break it to you all
like this, but Usher has been found dead. Murdered.”
    As Jon had suggested, I studied everyone’s
reactions.
    Robert Renfield threw up his hands. “Shit.
There goes my leading man. What in the hell am I gonna do now?
Sh-h-it!”
    Harry Nuckles thrust his fists onto his hips.
“What? The little son of a bitch owed me money. A lot of money. How
dare the little SOB get himself knocked off.”
    Barnaby Karloff crossed his arms. “I’m not
rewriting the friggin’ script. I am not. It’s brilliant, just the
way it is. I’ll bring the union in on this, I swear I will.”
    Titties Van Cleavage mewled, “But…but…but…he
was gonna marry me. We was engaged.” Flinging her body down on a
brocade couch, she proceeded to sob in long, loud, gasping breaths.
Her face mushed