Read Online Crazy People: The Crazy for You Stories by Jennifer Crusie - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Jennifer Crusie
Tags: FICTION / Short Stories
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life is in, I might be for it after all.” And I said, “Don’t be ridiculous, Darla, he’s just being nice,” but then Darrin came out with the mower, and he took his Tibbett High School Football Coach shirt off, and Darla said, “Well, he is something to look at, isn’t he?” And then Darrin sort of flexed his muscles pulling on the mower cord, and Darla said, “Merciful heavens, Debbie, this is all for you, although why he doesn’t just take it out and wave it around is beyond me. It’d be a lot quicker.”
Then Mama drove up with a tuna surprise casserole, the kind she keeps telling me that if I’d been making them for you regular would have kept you home where you belonged, and she said, “Deborah Jo, what is that naked man doing in your front yard?” And Darla said, “Warming up, Mama, warming up.” Then she told Mama that potato chips on a casserole were unhealthy because of the high fat content, and Mama said without the potato chips there wouldn’t be any surprise, and Darla said potato chips on a casserole hadn’t been a surprise since 1952, and Mama got so het up, she left. I do love Darla. And then we both got beers and stood at the window and watched Darrin mow the grass. There’s something very attractive about a man mowing grass, Ronnie. I must say that. And Darla said, “Debbie Jo, it’s time to forget that worthless skunk you married and move on,” and I said, “Darla Jean, I am thinking about it.” But I really wasn’t because I am married to you, Ronnie. Even if you are on vacation with a flat-chested bank teller, I am still married to you. But I did feed Darrin that casserole later, and he did remark on the potato chip topping so I guess Mama was right again. She does have a way of being right, damn it all anyway.
And then Darrin left, and about an hour ago Max called and said, “Debbie, Darla told me Darrin Mueller was over there trying to mow more than your grass, and I want you to know that you’ve got a brother over here so you don’t need that unless you want it. You need help, you call me.” And I said thank you and hung up and sat down and started to think. You know, Mama always liked you better than Max, but now here we are and look at us. Darla never had to get married, and Darla sure as hell isn’t sitting home right now with a beer in her hand wondering what Max is doing in another state, and you sure as hell would never have called her and told her you’d take care of her if she was. And I thought about their marriage, like how when Max gets out of hand, Darla tells him that if he doesn’t shape up, Mama will find out and they’ll never inherit her Hummels, and then Max tells her something awful he’s going to have to do to Mama because he hates those Hummels, and then they laugh. And I thought about how long it had been since we laughed like that, and I truly did wonder how they managed it, to still be laughing about those Hummels after twenty-eight years because to tell you the truth, that whole dumb Hummel joke stopped being funny to me a long time ago, but they still think it’s a stitch. And I’m thinking that maybe it’s not the joke, that maybe they just like making it together, and you know, we haven’t been making anything together, Ronnie, not for the longest time, and I think that’s sad when I’m not thinking about what a rat bastard you are. I mean, I’m really happy for Darla, but I’m really jealous, too. So I called Darla and told her that, and she said, “Hell, Debbie, Max isn’t perfect, the other day he brought home a damn
motorcycle
, can you believe it?” and I said, “Well, it could have been a lot worse, he could have brought home a damn
bank teller
,” and she said, “I hope Ronnie dies,” and I hung up and had another beer.
So now I am going to have one more beer and then go to bed because I have a full day tomorrow making the women of Tibbet feel good about themselves, and then I have to fix Darrin dinner because
Then Mama drove up with a tuna surprise casserole, the kind she keeps telling me that if I’d been making them for you regular would have kept you home where you belonged, and she said, “Deborah Jo, what is that naked man doing in your front yard?” And Darla said, “Warming up, Mama, warming up.” Then she told Mama that potato chips on a casserole were unhealthy because of the high fat content, and Mama said without the potato chips there wouldn’t be any surprise, and Darla said potato chips on a casserole hadn’t been a surprise since 1952, and Mama got so het up, she left. I do love Darla. And then we both got beers and stood at the window and watched Darrin mow the grass. There’s something very attractive about a man mowing grass, Ronnie. I must say that. And Darla said, “Debbie Jo, it’s time to forget that worthless skunk you married and move on,” and I said, “Darla Jean, I am thinking about it.” But I really wasn’t because I am married to you, Ronnie. Even if you are on vacation with a flat-chested bank teller, I am still married to you. But I did feed Darrin that casserole later, and he did remark on the potato chip topping so I guess Mama was right again. She does have a way of being right, damn it all anyway.
And then Darrin left, and about an hour ago Max called and said, “Debbie, Darla told me Darrin Mueller was over there trying to mow more than your grass, and I want you to know that you’ve got a brother over here so you don’t need that unless you want it. You need help, you call me.” And I said thank you and hung up and sat down and started to think. You know, Mama always liked you better than Max, but now here we are and look at us. Darla never had to get married, and Darla sure as hell isn’t sitting home right now with a beer in her hand wondering what Max is doing in another state, and you sure as hell would never have called her and told her you’d take care of her if she was. And I thought about their marriage, like how when Max gets out of hand, Darla tells him that if he doesn’t shape up, Mama will find out and they’ll never inherit her Hummels, and then Max tells her something awful he’s going to have to do to Mama because he hates those Hummels, and then they laugh. And I thought about how long it had been since we laughed like that, and I truly did wonder how they managed it, to still be laughing about those Hummels after twenty-eight years because to tell you the truth, that whole dumb Hummel joke stopped being funny to me a long time ago, but they still think it’s a stitch. And I’m thinking that maybe it’s not the joke, that maybe they just like making it together, and you know, we haven’t been making anything together, Ronnie, not for the longest time, and I think that’s sad when I’m not thinking about what a rat bastard you are. I mean, I’m really happy for Darla, but I’m really jealous, too. So I called Darla and told her that, and she said, “Hell, Debbie, Max isn’t perfect, the other day he brought home a damn
motorcycle
, can you believe it?” and I said, “Well, it could have been a lot worse, he could have brought home a damn
bank teller
,” and she said, “I hope Ronnie dies,” and I hung up and had another beer.
So now I am going to have one more beer and then go to bed because I have a full day tomorrow making the women of Tibbet feel good about themselves, and then I have to fix Darrin dinner because
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