both attend any and all company functions, parties, picnics, and employee pep rallies. And since Horrible Todd Brockman holds the keys to Kellerâs financial kingdom, weâll befriend him as well.
Joy.
Weâll be disciplined and learn to live the way his parents want us to. Weâll have to work hard because Sarah has the upper hand right now. Sheâs older, sheâs been working at the company longer, and sheâs not a recovering alcoholic, like Brad is. âAlso she has a kid, which is massive points for the grandparents.â Brad looks over at me and says, âBabe, we need a kid.â
I melt. I smile at him and say, âI thought youâd never ask.â Then we head back upstairs and have sex for the rest of the night. Bradâs so excited and happy right now, I donât have the heart to tell him that the whole plan to act like people we arenât in order to dupe his parents into trusting us sounds a little evil. Every time I think I might mention it he gives me a long deep kiss and I see fiery stars. Iâve never been so happy.
This must be how Eva Braun felt.
4
Operation Hotdish
T he perfect woman is actually three women rolled into one: Mrs. Howell, Mary Ann, and Ginger from Gilliganâs Island . Three women who when combined become the whole package. The refined lady, the demure sweetheart, and the sultry sex kitten, all in one. A woman who can bake coconut pies, charm cannibals, and cavort on white-sand beaches in six-inch stilettos.
Simply put, the perfect woman is a sweet rich slut.
Being a trophy wife is something I know nothing about. Yes, I have a wealthy husband, a beautiful house, three dozen matching wineglasses, and a legal cable connection . . . but how any of this happened is a mystery. I come from more of a Spam-and-spray-cheese set. My people polka. They drink Bud Light and spend more money on their snowmobiles than their life insurance, because as Lenny says, if you got one, you really donât need the other.
I turn to Christopher for help, because letâs face it, he knows more about being a woman than I do. I tell him about Operation Hotdish and Bradâs plan to become the perfect couple, and heâs 100 percent behind it. âThis is the dream challenge of a gay beeâs lifetime!â he says. âTo transform a plain lump-of-coal midwestern girl into a sparkling grande-dame diamond.â
âI donât know. I hate hair spray.â
âFear not,â he says. âWe will tame you, my little shrew.â
âEasy on the shrew metaphors, Petruchio.â
âWeâll turn you into the bitchiest of bitchy divas. Youâll be magnificent! And just think, you already have the bitchy part down perfectly!â
Top Ten Traits of a Trophy Wife
  1. Gorgeous/sexy/big boobs/small waist
  2. Is seen and not heard
  3. Without too many opinions of her own
  4. Skinny/loves working out
  5. Always elegantly dressed and immaculately groomed, even when sick, sleeping, or giving birth
  6. Elicits high-five signs from other men
  7. Elicits true hatred from other women
  8. Skilled in the domestic arts, or at least in delegating to maids
  9. Appreciates fine wine, fast cars, and her husbandâs Viagra prescription
10. Sexually advanced: expert at oral/open to anal
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We begin researching other attributes of the perfect trophy wife, skimming almost a dozen online articles, glancing over at least two advice columns, and mostly watching tens of hours of television, including such classic trophy-wife-centric shows as Desperate Housewives, Dallas, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and Falcon Crest . What we learn is: Every group has a different set of rules. One manâs trophy wife is another manâs white trash. For example:
Top Ten Traits of a Hells Angels Trophy Wife
  1. Big tits, tiny waist,
Frankie Blue
john thompson
Alaina Stanford
Alexandra Ivy, Laura Wright
C.W. Gortner
Helena Newbury
Jessica Jarman
Shanna Clayton
Barbara Elsborg
James Howard Kunstler